Listenin to: a gunshot to the head of trepidation-trivium
Feeling: absolutely shit.but in a way feelin great.
different feelings for different things,and lets just say more than one thing has happened since i last posted here.i dunno im confused.
so much has happened in the last month.i feel like iv been thru years in the space of a few weeks i feel like its been ages and tht iv matured alot thru out all of this.true,u cnt really see a change in me,but iv been thru shit tht has changed my life alot.alot of things my friends dont even knw abt have happened.i dont tell ppl everything tht happens.i tell different things to different ppl tho,tht i admit,coz i feel tht not every one can understand the same as a particular person may do,so i might share a particular problem wid sum1 who i think will understand,and i wont share wid another friend,whoever it is.thts jus the way my mind works.major things,yea they all know,all of my friends,but little things tht happen i mostly keep to myself or share wid the person i feel comfortable sharing it wid.i dont even knw if im makin sense...
iv been thru a situation where i came out looking like the loser..maybe it looked like i turned out to be the loser in the end,but deep down i know im the winner,but im only a kid so i cnt help feeling weak at times.i keep telling myself tht its not my loss,tht im the winner,tht everything tht happened was in a way good for me,but then i feel like the loser and i remember everything and my pride is hurt..again and again.im the sort of person who cannot deal wid defeat or loss of any sort ,or rejection for tht matter, even if it does not involve any sort of other emotion but my pride.thts the thing tht matter most.im not sayin im arrogant and self centered and heartless and i m not sayin i have an ego the size of the pacific ocean.all im sayin is tht wen my pride is hurt,i feel the ultimate pain,and its one of the worst things tht can happen to me.my pride is hurt.which is why i cudnt face writing anything on this for a long time.i felt tht i cudnt face myself.i dont mean facing myself literally,i mean come on i look at the mirror a hundred times a day,my friends wud knw! wot im tryin to say is tht i cudnt even admit to myself in a way tht i was hurt and tht i felt like the loser.i cudnt face myself,i cudnt face writing how i felt here bcz i was desperately tryin to undo tht hurt and i was tryin to tell myself tht i was winning or was goin to win one way or the other.i kept tellin myself this is lame,i dont need to write down my feelings or stuff tht i wanna say.coz at the end of the day its only my mind tht needs to knw all tht.but today i finally admit tht my pride is hurt,and i feel the loser.but it was more of the other persons loss and tht makes me the winner for a number of reasons.i dunno how to put this..i was here,i stayed here,and i may be here for a while and then i'll go forward.whereas the other person was there,came here,and then had to go back all the way even further back than where they were b4..so basically im here,unhurt,just minor issues tht r the result of all this but then i will get over them,and i can finally tell myself tht im ok,im not a loser,i shudnt feel ashamed or embarassed coz u knw wot,im not ashamed.or embarassed.
iv been thinkin abt posting sumthing on this for a while..but i kept tellin myself i didnt need to write or rather type out everything,i needed to keep it locked,hidden in my head.but then for the past few days iv been considering maybe typing stuff up here,like i did b4,to see if it makes a difference,coz it sure did b4.but then another voice wud keep sayin dont be silly its ridiculous u r not gonna do tht etc etc.like i sed b4,i cudnt face myself or the fact tht things happen and u jus gotta deal wid them in the best way possible.i write stuff coz firstly i need to get it all out and wirtten infront of me in a way tht makes sense so then i can read it and understand myself and then realise whether or not its a problem,whether its just me or if its sum 1 or sumthing else etc etc.so writing all this out b4 wud mean id have to face the fact tht i felt like a loser and tht maybe id been played wid and tht my pride was hurt.i kept on pretending im the toughest person ever and tht no one cud hurt me.in a way im writing all this shit out bcz i need myself to understand.
i swear to god i am not making any sense to myself.i have no idea wot im sayin..i can just make out the word pride keeps popping up in every sentence.i think theres a reason for tht.its bcz my pride (here i go again) has been hurt bad and for the first time in my life ( i knw im repeating myself but i guess theres a reason for tht too..i NEED to keep tellin myself its ok to admit it if i feel like a loser) iv had to admit tht sum1 has hurt me and tht it actually made a difference to me,i actually look like the loser in this situation.so wot? SO FRIGGIN WOT?? im not dead,im not dying,im not being beat up,im not goin mental,iv not lost money,or my house,or anything else thts important,iv not lost my friends or my family,so wots the big problem?NOTHING.NOTHING AT ALL.NOTHING WHAT SO BLOODY EVER.
im perfectly fine.i have no issues.
now tht im thru wid tht..man i was in total knock-out mode today.i cud hav really knocked this guys face off..i wud have liked to..
also today was a good day for me coz i finally realised tht im the better one..dont ask me wot i mean by tht..but im the better one..my 'replacement' is no where as good as me in any way.
another thing,i dont understand men.and right now,i dont care.
i have no title for this.for once i cnt bother wid a title.like i was told today,'i m not bothered wid this',and thts exactly how i feel.
fine dont bother..u'll be saving urself time..dont make a difference to me whether u bother or not. dont even ask me who i was sayin tht to..
man i was on jal forums the other day and i saw this topic called celebrity sumthing in the fun section..so i thought ok..im in ict class..my teacher is boring the pants off of me(and i did not want my pants to fall off :D) so i thought wot the hell i might as well see wot it is and check out a bunch of other stuff on the forums too..so yea i open it up and its a game where one member is celeb for a week and everyone gets to ask him/her questions and tht person has to answer..and guess who the first one is...me..so yea its cool having ppl ask me silly questions..good to kill time..iv got a leg ache.i dunno y.i had this really really bad leg ache last week in the holidays man it was so bad i was in bed for 2 days and cudnt move my legs..i actually thought i was gonna lose my legs..and i was praying like hell askin god not to do tht to me..
no one interesting online..nothing special to do..stuff at home is a bit awkward..but then again thts how i always feel..asphyxiated(thts my new word :D man im always asphyxiated now) seriously tho...tht best describes it for me..
sumthing my economics teacher sed is bothering me..im sure he wasnt talkin abt me..so then y do i feel like it was so totally abt me..is it coz secretly,deep down i knw tht thts wot im doin and i jus dont wanna admit it? i dunno..but anyway i told myself tht im done wid my issues and tht im gonna study properly now..again..but then the thing thts really bothering me is tht if it was abt me,then am i tht obvious? is it actually obvious at all coz its not supposed to be..man wot the hell i think too much..for all the wrong reasons and abt the wrong things.. i have a feeling i wont stop typing..coz i just hav so much nonsense locked up inside its all bursting out now tht im finally letting it..i think im gonna leave it here for today and i'll have to go back to writing shit here everyday coz now i have alot to say after god knows how long of silence..
