An Endless World Of Nothingness..

I Cry When Angels Deserve To Die

2010-02-16T16:50:00.003Z

more than a year.
i was away so long.trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle. cudnt i c they didnt event fit? cudnt i? cudnt i? cudnt i? cudnt i? where was i? i wasnt here. i cudnt have been.. wot was i thinking? did i think i cud run? i dont know. did i think i cud hide? i dont know. did i think i had escaped? yes.
im here.where iv always been.im always here.some times i just forget. why cnt it dissapear? scratch tht.why cnt I dissapear.. but hey im one step closer..nearly there..not quite yet tho..
hmm
anyway
messsssssedddd
i cnt even make sense in sentences..i cnt disguise the look inside my eyes..
aaaahhhh my fave solooooo.....
one day im gona write a book.im gona write everything on paper..im gona write everything..

2009-02-17T02:53:00.002Z

listenin to: Cries in vain - Bullet for my valentine

square one.agn.
lost my two most important ppl in life today.
i knw how to keep u.u jst dnt knw how to stay.

tryin to get the words out.its not working...
the cries in vain solo is insayyyyyyyyne :D

bak visiting the roots tonyt.
i feel numb.
contradiction!
when ur numb,how can u FEEL?
ha ha ha

2009-01-25T23:12:00.000Z

shattered
peices
thousands
broken
torn

2009-01-14T04:23:00.001Z

listening to: My life- the game

right now nothing means more to me than u.i wish u cud see how much i miss u,how much i wish things had been different,and evn how much i wish i hadnt been so stupid back then,coz then maybe,just maybe id hav u tonyt...

2009-01-13T02:23:00.002Z

Listening to: My life- the game

once a waste of tym,ALWAYS a waste of tym.
a year on and u never had a heart at all!
u lost ur right over me a year ago...
i never 4got,i jst learned to 4give..
the biggest mistake i ever made...
trying to get out of this..
trying...
still trying.......
ur just there.
i dont knw how i did it first tym round..i need to do it again but i just dnt knw how!
help me..
how did u do tht?
im tryin to figure it out still
how?
i dnt get it..
u just pressed Enter,but i was stabbed
my heart bled
u sed sorry
no ur not
coz if u were
u wud have been sorry to begin with
i crossed tht line
u r who i warned my youngers about..
i cry tears of blood..

2008-12-06T00:22:00.002Z

so much to say.... it hurts havin to keep it all in.but for now thts all i can do..no time..

a piece of my mind

2008-09-27T03:14:00.003Z

listenin to : let me love you-mario

one of the biggest lessons iv learnt in life..is tht regret is a bitch.. and u wudnt never knw until u actually regret..

knowing that i had you..and,somehow surely, i let u slip away..i had you,yet i let it slip..thru my fingers..i wake up everyday,thinking its ok,and i then it hits me..within seconds..the reality..of what i have lost..i go thru all day thinking abt u..and only u..sometimes i can spend hours and hours..non stop..just thinking abt u..everything abt u..i cnt sleep at night,because of you.i cant think straight.because of you.i have lost everything i had to me.because of you. i am not blaming u,rather im blaming how i feel abt u..not YOU...its me.its all my fault.when i think of u,i think of the one i want,and then i remember,i had u! u were mine! I HAD U..! u USED to b mine.. i USED to have you.. i USED to have wot i need..i USED to have what i want.. how did it all go away..i still dont get it..but everyday,the regret,it kills me..i feel suffocated knowing tht i dont have you any more..and it scares me to even imagine i wont ever get the chance to b with u again..

its lyk sumthing uv always wanted,the person u r deeply in love with,waiting for ur chance one day,the only one thing u want in life,nothing else,AND THEN U REMEMBER U HAD HIM AND U LOST HIM! it drives me more and more crazy every day knowing ur goin further and further away frm me..
life dsnt hand out 2nd chances every day.. BUT I HAD A 2ND CHANCE and im a fukin asshole for losing tht too! i could have kept it,but no somehow i got my own head confused and my priorities changed i dnt knw why i wasnt thinking straight i let u go and i could kill myself for it! and now i dont knw wot to do..im lost..i got my chance,i got wot i wanted and.. i.let.it.go.
how much more can i cry,when my tears dry out..sometimes i have no tears left.. and i hate myself for tht too..knowing tht i cnt mourn it enough.. it has to b my fault..bcz u r ok..uv always been ok..and iv been the one left behind..it must b my fault..it IS my fault.. i dont knw wot i can do to make it right.i just need u so badly i cud give ANYTHING.and i mean literally ANYTHING i am capable of.anything.anything.anything.

i knw tht this is real..because its been a year and a bit..and im still here..

nothings alright..nothing is fine..

2008-09-21T02:34:00.005Z

listenin to: last resort-paparoach

ur never here when i need u.and u never were.evn when u should have been.
u r my true misery.u r my true happiness. you . u r my true love.
but u dont knw. it might take years for YOU to understand.maybe u'll see it one day.and see that no one can b like me,and me is wot u need.

im bored and there aint no one to tlk to.see thts wot sucks abt this life,if u look around there so many ppl 'there' but in reality,when u RLY look around,they all fade away...diseappear..
i remember sayin sumink along these line in one of my earlier posts,one f the first few i think..couple years back.. just shows u init,tht things dnt rly ever change,and i m pretty much the same as well unfiortunately..i havnt RLY grown..i havnt RLY become stronger.. bcz i still feel the SAME pain.. but does being strong mean not feelin past pain anymore..or does it...?
dnt rly knw to be honest,thts a gud question...dnt think i'll be discovering the answer to tht any tym soon but anyway..
so yh nobody to tlk to..u dnt knw why iv suddenly just started to feel lonely..it happened last nyt lyk i sed b4..very strange..id love to say its the least of my worries but truely,it isnt..

nothings alright
nothing is fine

i just randomly thought of a friend i lost in the past year..to nothing rly..just lost her to the world to b honest..miss u fiz.. funny how i wanted to knw u evn afta u two faced me so sikly..
i dont miss nobody else..

apart frm u,my everything. i wish u were my stength..for now ur just my weakness..
damnnn i actually wana listen to H.I.M..! wow its been lyk over a year since i had an urge lyk tht..not gna do it tho..not wise..
im so bored...i literally have no reason to open my mouth and talk,sumthing i actually need to do right now otherwise i might just lose the plot..but i cnt tlk to myself tht a sign of insanity..

listenin to: elegy- as i lay dying

oh dear..iv dne it again. nightmares.

this could be the start of sumthing new..

2008-09-21T02:12:00.002Z

im in pain so im not gona lie. but sometimes u gotta take any sort of energy u have and convert it to sumink tht is of use to u..and thts wot iv decided im gna do.
i rarely make promises to myself.but when i do,im a woman of my word. i will make sure i end it with my own hands. it will be i who will be solely responsible for tht now.just lyk u killed me.
i dont knw how i will do it.but i will.gona take a long tym.but at the end u'll be left with nothing.but regrets.
baby u knw its me...

iv cut u out now set me free

2008-09-20T01:19:00.002Z

when did i become so alone?
i wake up today and realise,shit iv got no body left where he hell did everyone go..?
when did i lose everything
where did i go wrong?
WHEN??
why didnt i realise b4? when did it happen?
the one person i had left is some one i cnt afford to keep in my life..and now i have no one..
the time tht used to pass me by so quick now dsnt go away..it fukin chokes me lyk a noose,it just wont go AWAY!!
waiting for the days when it will be better,when it'll all be gone,waiting for happiness to come my way.

im NOT ungrateful.iv just not been truley happy.in a while.or is it EVER...? i dont rly knw.. i dnt evn knw wot im talkin abt.
i think iv lost the plot.

I think the time is right

2008-05-29T02:07:00.005Z

basically everything has changed since last yr,too many ppl came into my life and left.. but now its like iv been thinking for a lil while tonyt and thought yh its the right tym to start writing..coz tonyt i cudnt think of any other way to deal... i want u so badly,its lyk i never stopped wanting u..and thinking abt it now i rly do think i never stopped wanting u since the very moment i saw u,thru the year,and today..i keep needing to recharge and start all over again but i cnt keep doin tht....i think im losing the will now..actually not the will... just the capability...i cnt keep doin this anymore..either this or tht..but not in the middle... and you are fukin doin my head in with this fukin situation YOU have created,i didnt fukin ask u to do this and i didnt fukin ask for it and im not fukin liking it i dont want it lyk this for fuks sake plz stop it i dnt like it i do no not want things to b like this i dnt wana b stuck here forever! i do not wana be here anymore. im tired of it. i want things to b complete. i want u properly.not fukin half. i dnt want a fukin half of a life.why shud i? i aint done nothing tht wrong.theres worser ppl out there gettin treated better .so dnt fukin tell me its coz -

thts is where i lost tht post and could not continue it. i had no idea it automatically saves every few mins and therefore i thought i had lost the post tht night..i hav found it now and dnt wish to continue..i am gona publish it tho.. it was the 29th of May 2008 but i have published it today,21st of september 2008

2008-01-26T14:49:00.001Z

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
Cause I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don’t cryOn the outside anymore

********************************************
its such a shame,and the pain unexplainable,when you know uv done nothing wrong,yet no one seems to know,but it takes a hell of a lot of hurt to actually make u not even wana explain it anymore.

im not finished.not yet.

2006-12-29T18:56:00.000Z

shes paranoid ok?
but shes happy.she really is.she has everything she needs.at the moment.lets not be a kill joy and be realistic here,rather lets just be "optimistic",they call it,lets just be happy eh?

she talks.

2006-12-29T18:46:00.000Z

some would say shes been to hell and back.she says shes been to hell,shes still there tryin to get out."shes lies" u say.
"no i dont" she says.
she dsnt lie,not here atleast.she never lies.but she never tells the truth either.
"why?" u ask.
"i dunno" she replies.
thts wot she always says.thts all she has to say.
u think shes ok.but somehow just breathing and having a pulse dont really qualify as "ok" to her.but then shes always been a psycho one.ask anyone around her.shes always "the psycho one".
shes seen alot tht she didnt have to see,didnt deserve to see,never wanted to see.yet she still saw it.she wonders y she must be the one.she wonders why she is the one.
the one who was destined to be miserable.she wonders when it will all end.somehow,she dsnt think she can wait much longer.
might it just be "the end"?

inspired.

2006-11-09T21:34:00.000Z

im so sick of life
i just am
i dnt knw y
nothing happened
its just life
i dnt like it
im sick and tired of my life,of the ppl around me,of ppl who hate me
iv never done anything to hurt any one,ever
yet ppl still seem to hate me
for no apparent reason
i really wish i cud be evil
and i wish i cud do things to hurt ppl
but i cnt
yea thts all my life is abt
doing things to make other ppl happy
not doin things just so ppl stay happy
im just livin for other ppls sake,not for myself
wots the point
theres nothing tht i want out of this life
im sick of everything

see me again in 3 months.

2006-10-11T21:33:00.000Z

listening to: hand of blood-bullet for my valentine
alot has happened.past week has been..different.started off with a fone call,ended up gettin back together.i know wot im doing.or atleast,i thought i did.im in a bit of a state to be honest.not tht im not happy.i am.but then the other minor parts of life namely education,health,family and friends r suffering.not tht i dnt knw how to balance.its more of a 'i wnt' balance sort of situation.i need to get all my work done and go to class.or i shall never get an education.go to uni.or have a career.i shall be another poor paki houswife,and the highlight of my life will be polishing my husbands shoes,and ironing his darn clothes which will make him look smart for his girlfriend.i dnt wanna be her.but i can see myself as her.it aint pretty.not tht im too pretty myself.im kinda losing the plot.there.iv sed it.i admit it.my head hurts and my brain has really stopped working.honestly.and i dnt knw wot to do abt it.how comes everyone else knows everything and i dnt knw a single thing?i never knew anything anyway.i never cared.
u r my life
i cnt live without u
i really love u
i dnt even knw if i can think any more

:D :D :D

2006-10-07T15:52:00.000Z

IM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES I AM,I CNT BELIEVE IT EITHER BUT IM H-A-P-P-Y HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its all ok now-a new,better start and im loving every second of it.
i think......i realise im not so sure.maybe it isnt gonna last.maybe its not real.im used havin everything snatched away.maybe i wnt be able to hold on to this either.again.

2006-09-09T20:44:00.000Z

listenin to : Elegy-As i lay dying
im putting it off again.sayin everything i need to on this.like nothing has happened.like i feel nothing.like im happy.or just....numb..
i need to stop listenin to this song..i really do coz its givin me nightmares,i keep dreaming tht im crying so much,so much tht i wake up scared and start crying for real,its so scary.its messing with my head,its making me go insane and i dnt need tht i hav to stop this,i need to stop all this nonsense i need to get away frm it

I HOPE U DIE,WHOEVER U R.AND I HOPE ALL U CLONES DIE TOO.WHOEVER U R.IV NEVER SEEN U.I DONT KNW U.

2006-09-08T14:41:00.000Z

i hav loads to say.and i will say it all tonight.i keep putting it off for god knows why.but right now i really need to scream sumthing outa my system and obviously i cnt do tht.so i must type it here.I FEEL LYK SOME ONE HAS RIPPED MY HEART OUT AND IS TEARING IT IN TWO RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE,IGNORING MY PLEADING AND BEGGING NOT TO DO IT,JUST FOR THE SAKE OF DOING IT TO ME,WHICH MUST BE THE FUNNEST THING IN THE WORLD,I MEAN FUCK UP ZARAS LIFE MUST BE WHY THE WORLD WAS CREATED,WHY HUMANS ARE BORN,WHY PPL LIVE,AND WOT THEY R HERE FOR.

I HOPE U DIE,WHOEVER U R.AND I HOPE ALL U CLONES DIE TOO.WHOEVER U R.IV NEVER SEEN U.I DONT KNW U

2006-08-15T14:57:00.000Z

just trying to live with things,the way they r..

I just don't want to miss you tonight

2006-08-06T02:25:00.000Z

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
..................................................................
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

2006-07-27T20:57:00.000Z

BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

if i stare too long id probably break down and cry.so i aint gonna stare no more :D

2006-07-14T20:15:00.000Z

yea its been good.i had a few good days.had a sleepover,had a chat abt stuff,went out,had a good time,things were GREAT for 2 days,things were looking up,i thought it was real.DAMN i did it again didnt i.im soooooooooooooo silly sumtimes!now,finally,after years of experiance,iv learned tht its not gonna be right.not ever.well maybe just not yet.iv learned to giv up.iv learned to keep it to myself,and to keep goin,on.and on.and not look back.but im human and im not so old either.so as much as i try(although i might add tht i am TONNS better at it than b4) i still do look back over my shoulder for half a second,just to wonder wot it wud be like,just b4 i slap myself and push my self,not one,but TWO steps forward.im trying and im doing SO well!i didnt think i wud be this good at it.but its really happening.but theres one thing i knw i have to do,for the good of myself (apart frm eating only boiled veg for the next 2 months to go back to 'normal') i must keep away frm specific music.coz it gets the rivers flowing.and i dnt want tht do i?no i dont.so anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys,im gonna be ok.it will take time,but i WILL be ok.

Get lost,out of my face,out of my life.

2006-07-12T11:44:00.000Z

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth
I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want

nothing at all

2006-07-04T21:33:00.000Z

frustration is gettin the better of me.i dnt knw wot to do.my life is major wreckage,both ways.
its terrible,i need to get out ofd all this.i dnt knw how to.i dnt understand anything at all.y am i like this?
"shut the fuck up"
"shut the fuck up"
"shut the fuck up"
"who do u think u r?"

nobody.nobody at all.

everything i say i feel,is infact everything i wish i felt.everything i wish i could feel,everything i shud feel.but i cant.and i dont really want to honestly.

"i dont wanna talk to u."
"shall i be honest with u,i dont wanna knw u"
"who do u think u r?"

nobody.nobody at all.

i feel great,im on top of the world.
im on cloud 9,could i go any higher?
i feel great,i feel comfortable in my skin,
whoever thought id eva feel this way..
oh im so good at lying.

GONE

2006-07-04T19:43:00.000Z

gone r the days when i loved u
gone r the days when i cared
gone r the days when i cried for u
gone r the days when i needed u
gone r the days when i hoped ud understand
gone r the days when i wanted u
gone r the days when id do anything for u
gone r the days when u made me happy
gone r the days when i wanted to make u happy too
gone r the days when i wanted to see u
gone r the days when i wanted to talk to u
gone r the days when u meant everything to me
gone r the days when u meant anything to me,anything at all.
those days r GONE,never to come back,i dont want em now anyway,did i mention i hate them?

16/06/06 12:52am

2006-06-15T23:53:00.000Z

u knw how to break my heart
u knw how to rip my soul apart
u knw how tear me
u knw how to kill me

I feel the same again so heck im posting this again.

2006-06-10T01:05:00.000Z

Its been a while since i could say i wasnt addicted
its been a while since i could its all ok
Its been days since i told u how i feel..Since u told me how u feel the same way
Its been a month since i saw u smile..And the way ur eyes shone when u did
Its been days since i felt wanted..Now i just feel rejected
Do you hate me?Why?Have i dont something wrong?
Why dont u just tell me you love me?
just once..please
Here i am,at the same stage in my life,once again..
I vowed i wouldnt do it again,but hell im addicted..
I wish i could block away all the pain..
I wish i would stop seeing ur face with my minds eye..
That beautiful face..
im begging u..say u love me..please..

25/05/06

2006-06-04T00:00:00.000Z

u sed ur sorry
sed u wanted to apologise
im not tht little girl anymore
but i guess im not old enough either

u didnt say see u again
but u know so well how i'll be dying
to see u today,just like everyday
see,u didnt even have to say anything now
coz im in too deep,im out of control
how u did this,i dont know

2006-06-03T23:51:00.000Z

these days i fell tht i cnt face things.i cnt face the past,or anything tht is even remotely related to,or reminds me of the past.im in denial.severe and stubborn denial.and it aint nice,iv become too protective over myself,but the funny thing is im even more open to heartbreak than ever before.i dont understand.i cnt face anything.am i ashamed?am i afraid?am i lying?or am i just terrified out of my mind?i think i might just end up giving in.not to the pressure,as there is no pressure as far as im concerned,but to the sheer craziness tht has taken over me as a result of my lonliness.i need ur time,im screaming for attention,I NEED UR ATTENTION!wot do i have to do to make u look at me,even if it is for just a second.im doing all i can short of literally screaming the words,general screaming iv tried.it wont work.i have enough to worry abt,and now this.my past is haunting me,everything just seems to jump out of the pages frm the storybook of my life to scare me,its so scary.y dont u just talk to me?what am i supposed to do?u just want me to keep my mouth shut and live my life like nothing happened,but when u choose to appear i shud act as though uv always been there.ur not being fair.ur not being human.

24/05/06

2006-06-03T23:45:00.000Z

whenever i realise,u try it
i wanted an answer,u tried to be clever
i sed iv had it,u called me with the lamest excuse in the world
i played along,didnt shout,u thought u had me where u wanted
i sed bye,and u thought ud done it
i hung up,and u thought ud won
i laughed.i knew wot u were playing at.
u thought i was stupid..as always
i know why u called me
i know wot u were trying to do
i know u just want it to be
i know ur punishing me (for wot iv not done)
i know u will leave it till the next time
i know,u see,u thought i was stupid
u tell them u dont know
u say nothing to me
its been a month and more,since u told me..anything at all

25/05/06

2006-06-03T23:42:00.000Z

u sed u didnt see me
sed u had to go
two different people,two different excuses
i dunno who to believe
this time,i think it shud be me

i know who u r
but y do i still love u?
i know wot u did
but why do i still care for u?
i know where i am
but y do i keep trying to go back (when i know i cnt)?
i know wot to do
but y cnt i bring myself to even think abt it
i know who u r
and i still love u..why?
i dunno.

18/05/06

2006-06-03T23:39:00.000Z

i was wrong,i thought it might be different
i thought there may have been a change
i was silly,idiotic,naive
i believed dreams come true,im pathetic,i believed u
i tried to let go,im trying to let go
but i didnt try,and im not trying
i give up
now will u come back to me?

i miss u..iv always missed u
coz u were never there,even when u used to be here
u left a long time ago,i still remember
memories u left wont leave me alone
y didnt u take them with u?
but then i would miss them too,just like..i miss u

19/05/06

2006-05-24T10:40:00.000Z

I cant believe how much u dont care!!
i never knew being like u r being was even possible
i am amazed,tht some one could not care so much
after everything u sed,everything u promised
oh my god my mind cannot accept it
i still cant believe it,it seems so impossible,so unreal
i cant believe it
its so scary i cant explain
how the hell did this happen
im in complete and utter disbelief
i dont understand,i cnt understand at all
i just dont understand,thts all my mind saying,i cnt understand,i dont understand,i dont understand,i dont know wot to do,i dont understand,i dont understand,i dont understand,i dont understand,i dont understand,i dont understand
why arent u here,with me,like u sed u wud be,why?
where r u?
r u thinking abt me?
do u remember me?
do u miss me?
im the little girl u knew,who never knew u.
im falling into the darkness of hell,its a bottomless pitt
im scared out of my mind,i dont know wot to do
im not well
i feel better watching myself cry..maybe i enjoy it
i also enjoy imagining my suicide,pretending,fantasizing about how u might care,about how u might be upset,maybe u'll miss me.

"i aint gonna waste my time"-A

2006-05-24T10:21:00.000Z

i keep falling..im falling again
i keep falling..again and again
ur still the same
yet u never let tht little ray of hope dissapear
always on the lookout
never letting it fade
ur a smart player
i hate u

2006-05-19T12:13:00.000Z

i miss u like crazy..even more than words can say..every minute of every day..but now ur gone,i cant even hope to see u soon..

u went away.u didnt think abt me.u went away.never to come back.u went away.u didnt call me.u went away.u never looked back.u went away.u left me.u went away..i miss u.

i miss u.because i think abt u.and i think of all tht we've been thru together.and i remember everything u once said.u once promised.and i think of the old days,not so long ago.and i wish u would come back.

i never hear from u..but i still hear ur voice everyday.
i never see u..but i still see ur face every day,everywhere i go.
im possible?not really.loving u so much was impossible wasnt it?but i did it.didnt i?

u still dont see it.u still dont get it.ur still blind.blind to everything abt me.funny.u loved me.or maybe i was just too quick to believe.i'll believe anything now.i must be insane.

2006-05-15T13:20:00.000Z

Iv reached the stage i was dreading,im standing where i never wanted to stand.unwanted,rejected,iv never felt so helpless.i may be goin crazy,but all im sad abt is tht i cant say it out loud.im not normal anymore,although many including myself would argue tht i was never normal to begin with.im in desperate need of attentiuon,of the love i crave so longingly.sometimes i think maybe i dont deserve it,maybe im not worth it all anyway,but then i become selfish for a moment and go over everything iv done and everything iv gone thru,everything iv faced and everything i gave up for u,and i realise once again how deprived i am of all tht i deserve.call me pathetic,but yes i do feel sorry for myself,and yes i am a depressed,sad and lonely personm,maybe even dpressing,and if that is the case then why dont u just get up and leave,just like u always did when u wanted to,and quite complaining.why dont u go,go away,leave me alone 4ever,to die a lonely painful death the,the one im destined to die.yes i know uv already left,its the memory of u tht im talking abt.i remember u left a long time ago.

Me

2006-05-03T20:08:00.000Z

Listenin to: savin me-nickelback
im ill.not so much physically,though tht too.im mentally ill.its not my fault.everything is going wrong.things i never thought would happen,r happening,and its taking over my life,my mind,im falling,i really am.im scared.i cnt admit it to anyone,but im scared.iv never felt like this in my life b4.and things r changing.im so scared i feel so lonely.if i told anyone theyd just say look around u,u arent lonely,everyones there for u,u just feel like this coz ur a bit upset,but im the only one who knows my loneliness,i alone can see there is no one around me,there is no one for me,no body who cares,as i can see past tht sympathetic face,sometimes tht doesnt even exist.i dont know wots happening and why its happening,i just dont like it,i wish it wud just go away,i dont like being scared,i just want it all to end,i wanna end it all,but more than tht i wish everything would just be ok..i wish someone could save me,someone called god...

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees
I’m crawlin’Oh,
I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings
I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me
Hurry I’m fallin’

...

2006-04-28T19:16:00.000Z

Hate me..call me freak..like i dont mean anything to u..call me loser,say u dont love me,tell me im pathetic..ur words play in my head day after day..the memory of ur voice..the way i loved u since i first talked to u..make fun of me,laugh when i cry..when i bleed,it means nothing to u..i mean nothing to u..i ask u,why do i still love u,why do i still care?u say its because im a loser.after everything uv put me thru,without realising,i have never left ur side..but u still dont even know im there..my heart is fading,my soul i already gave up..no words spoekn to each other,just silence..nobody but a pathetic loser to u..someone tht wastes time,blood,life on u..u dont know..u dont care..yet i still do it..just a freak,just a loser..right?

Some say time changes..i believe it stands still..im still the same..im still scared,alone..all the things iv seen in my life never seem to leave me alone..they r always there,stabbing me in my heart,just to tell me..tht im still alive.

Come on forsake me..break me..u keep me up all night..u dont feel the pain..my life is not wot it used to be..i must be insane..i cant sleep at night..how do u?

I dont know wrong from right..im on my knees,WHY DONT U JUST LISTEN..im sorry..u wont be laughing when im gone..
now because of u,i welcome pain..its because of u,tht i kill myself..

My own brand of 'emotional-ness' (HAHAHA lucas i beat u :p)

2006-04-28T18:46:00.001Z

Dont act smart
Dont be stupid
Dont be clever
Dont think ur all it
Dont think ur somthing
Dont think ur anything at all
Dont be happy
Dont act emo
Dont act un-emo
Dont be silly
Dont Dont Dont
Dont be urself
Dont be anything at all
Dont think ur anything
Dont think ur human
Dont think im just saying it all
Dont think im joking coz i aint
Dont think it will all just got away
Dont do anything
Just drop dead ('and die' but then i realised i cant die again again having just 'dropped dead' LOL and yea this is the world talking to ME)

Its been a while since i could say i wasnt addicted
its been a while since i could its all ok
Its been days since i told u how i feel..Since u told me how u feel the same way
Its been a month since i saw u smile..And the way ur eyes shone when u did
Its been days since i felt wanted..Now i just feel rejected
Do you hate me?Why?
Have i dont something wrong?
Why dont u just tell me you love me?just once..please

Here i am,at the same stage in my life,once again..
I vowed i wouldnt do it again,but hell im addicted..
I wish i could block away all the pain..
I wish i would stop seeing ur face with my minds eye..That beautiful face..
im begging u..say u love me..please..

Emo poetry (LMFAO).No im serious :|

2006-04-28T18:46:00.000Z

Two creatures lay cold,motionless on the bed
The sheets coloured a deep red
There is one,shadowed in the corner
Alone,crushed,made the smaller
Their love and hate are gone
Their emotions gone wrong
Humanities sustain the blade
They regret the mess now made
They drive into their chest
By lucas AKA logik the DEFINATLY EMO guy *laughs evil laugh*

Another 'episode' in the life of a drama

2006-04-28T18:07:00.000Z

Listening to: cries in vain-bullet for my valentine
its been ages since i actually typed out a long entry onto this,even tho i felt i shud have but just didnt get time.sometimes i think i dont even have to unload my mind b4 relaoding it with another days crap and this way it gets over loaded and thts wot makes me a mental person..
so much has happened since i last posted here..and being the incredibley sensible person i am,i will say no names,make nothing obvious,and u know wot i wont even go into detail..
so anyway..a while after the last 'episode' in my life,i decided to give this new one a try..it was probably the best month in my entire life,this last one..then it was my b'day..i got nice presents..:D loved wot feriyal and helen got me..oh my god..so cute..so anyway march ended pretty well and i even started pulling my grades up again!so on the first of april i stayed at home..i do not trust the world..:D
i can still remember tht day very clearly even tho it was 3 weeks ago(not long ago i know but i cnt even remember wot i ate last night!)its probably coz it was one those 'happy' days id been having alot of in the past month..probably coz i long for tht day,or any one of those,again..u know wen things start goin wrong,i kinda panic..but when everything just starts to crash,i kinda lose it.i didnt do anything i swear.and everyone who knows wot the hell im talking abt,knows tht this time i gave it my all,controlled my temper,kept tantrums to a ZERO(now tht is an acheivment),lost the ego and the arrogance for once,and thought,this is it girl,u better be good,u got sumthing really good.it was so smooth,i was completely but pleasantly surprised,and it was just,i dunno how to say it,AMAZING..man i felt lucky..and then all of a suddent i started to realise it was goin wrong..but then it actually started to crash like i just mentioned a min ago..fine i dont care getting stood up 4 times,being shown (or rather told) tht there was no space for wot i wanted,fine,u do wot u want im ok with it.but if theres one thing i cannot stand its uncertainty.i just dont do uncertainty.i cant take it,i cant stand it.its just not human.DONT JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE.I HATE THIS SILENCE.I WANT SOME WORDS,ANY WORDS,JUST NOT THIS SILENCE.TELL ME WOTS GOIN ON,THTS ALL I WANNA KNOW,NOTHING LESS NOTHING MORE,I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT IS I STAND,I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHEN IT WILL BE OK,WILL IT BE OK?THTS ALL I ASK OF U AND U CONTINUE TO TREAT ME LIKE A VOICE THT ISNT A VOICE AT ALL..WOT AM I?SILENCE?
im so confused,i dunno how to deal with it..i just dont like not knowing where things r headed,and if u dont wanna tell me where its headed atleast give me a warning of wots to come..and if u dont wanna do any of this,let me go,set me free,push me away,let me drown.JUST TELL ME FOR GOODNESS SAKE,SAY SOMETHING..please..
im not even making sense..but i know full well wot im talking abt..im not tht crazy..i still make sense..even if its just to myself..thts enuff..isnt it?
i didnt think so.

Disorders

2006-04-26T00:53:00.000Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

At the end of the day,only i know my self

2006-04-07T19:17:00.000Z

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as confident and determined.

Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship?s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves."

You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing.
The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb.

What's Your Theme Song?

I am free of all prejudices.I hate everyone equally

2006-03-14T20:14:00.000Z

Listenin to: any way u want it-kiss
im happy.a bit.not totally happy.but a bit happy.coz good things have happened.wont go into detail.aint got time.coz im freezin and wanna go put on a sweater.:D
so anyway i had this AS exam..politics..got my grade the other day..A..:D :D i was soooo happy..coz i seriously didnt study for tht..i just revised on my way to college...and i told my teacher i wud fail..so he got to say 'i told u so...' which i didnt like but it was abt me gettin an A so i let him say it..and today i had a key skills exam..and i totally aced it..well i think i did..and i finished it like half an hour b4 everyone else,which is not worrying coz i wrote 7 pages and i know i wrote everything there was to say and so im not worried tht i finished b4 everyone else.anyway................a few other nice things have happened.and some shit things.and one terrible thing.and one very nice thing.but im not gonna say it here.coz i dont want to.trivium gig tmrw..and thursday..im still thinking abt whether or not to go..
yes i do hate everyone equally.

Some thing to be happy about.Do i look happy?

2006-03-04T17:07:00.000Z

Orthodontist sed that hes takin my braces off in 3 weeks time,after only 4 months,because the treatment has gone really well and is complete.wow...i thought id be stuck wid them for a year,and i hated the thought of braces at first.but u knw wot,i got used to them,it looked so cool,i actually thought it looked attractive,and guess wot,they actually did...i feel wierd..i had actually prepared my mind tht id have braces for a year,possibly more,but now i will have them taken off...man i feel like something important is leaving me,like an important part of my life..I DO NOT WANT MY BRACES TAKEN OFF.i felt they were the only noticable,and slightly special thing about me.i got used to braces,i got used to seeing them,i got used to bein the only one wid braces,i felt cool wid braces.i dont want to not have braces.im being so stupid its unbelievable.but i say the truth here,coz i havnt got the guts to say it out loud.im actually crying at the thought of having my braces removed,because i'll be plain,boring,un-special,un-attractive me again wid nothing noticable wot so ever.make fun of me.laugh when i cry.when i hurt it means nothing to u.i mean nothing to u.nothing but a pathetic loser to u.

Where the hell have i been?

2006-03-04T16:42:00.000Z

Listening to: behind the crimson door-H.I.M
WHERE THE FRIGGIN HELL HAVE I BEEN? how could i forget those faithful and loyal to me for those who will come and go as they please?how could i have forgotten?how could i have not realised that wot i needed was right here,right in front of me,i see it everyday,it was here and has always been here,why was i so blind?i thought it was over but the fact tht it could have been easier is now bringing it all back again,two fold,i dont like it,i hate it,im not crazy.i have a bad attitude towards things.at first i will be the most obsessed person,so bloody hyper,so OBSESSED,and then,as hard as i think moving on is,i move on pretty easily,and its absolutely amazing how i can do that.the process of moving on is hard,but when i have overcome it all and have actually fully recovered,moved on,its just so easy that i dont even think of looking back,i forget so easily,i let it go,i move on to new,better things.but now i realise that its just me running away from it all,refusing to face facts,in a state of denial,wanting to block it out and forget it existed.its bcz im afraid,i hate memories,i hate the past even more than i might hate the future,I HATE HAVING TO FACE FACTS,i hate looking back and having to feel it all again,i hate reliving it,in fact can i just say i hate it ALL? please?
IT WAS HERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE BUT I REFUSED TO SEE IT,I INSISTED ON BEING BLIND (and this has nothing to do with the fact that i have stopped wearing glasses.im so not literal) and now its all gone and i HAVE to look back and realise tht i make the silliest mistakes.im so stupid.im an idiot.i cnt think.im a loser.im stupid.im stupid.im stupid.im stupid.im stupid.

( this post has absolutely nothing to do wid guy problems,not in the slightest.infact its something only my mind can understand.)

2006-02-21T20:13:00.000Z

Listenin to: a gunshot to the head of trepidation-trivium
Feeling: absolutely shit.but in a way feelin great.
different feelings for different things,and lets just say more than one thing has happened since i last posted here.i dunno im confused.
so much has happened in the last month.i feel like iv been thru years in the space of a few weeks i feel like its been ages and tht iv matured alot thru out all of this.true,u cnt really see a change in me,but iv been thru shit tht has changed my life alot.alot of things my friends dont even knw abt have happened.i dont tell ppl everything tht happens.i tell different things to different ppl tho,tht i admit,coz i feel tht not every one can understand the same as a particular person may do,so i might share a particular problem wid sum1 who i think will understand,and i wont share wid another friend,whoever it is.thts jus the way my mind works.major things,yea they all know,all of my friends,but little things tht happen i mostly keep to myself or share wid the person i feel comfortable sharing it wid.i dont even knw if im makin sense...
iv been thru a situation where i came out looking like the loser..maybe it looked like i turned out to be the loser in the end,but deep down i know im the winner,but im only a kid so i cnt help feeling weak at times.i keep telling myself tht its not my loss,tht im the winner,tht everything tht happened was in a way good for me,but then i feel like the loser and i remember everything and my pride is hurt..again and again.im the sort of person who cannot deal wid defeat or loss of any sort ,or rejection for tht matter, even if it does not involve any sort of other emotion but my pride.thts the thing tht matter most.im not sayin im arrogant and self centered and heartless and i m not sayin i have an ego the size of the pacific ocean.all im sayin is tht wen my pride is hurt,i feel the ultimate pain,and its one of the worst things tht can happen to me.my pride is hurt.which is why i cudnt face writing anything on this for a long time.i felt tht i cudnt face myself.i dont mean facing myself literally,i mean come on i look at the mirror a hundred times a day,my friends wud knw! wot im tryin to say is tht i cudnt even admit to myself in a way tht i was hurt and tht i felt like the loser.i cudnt face myself,i cudnt face writing how i felt here bcz i was desperately tryin to undo tht hurt and i was tryin to tell myself tht i was winning or was goin to win one way or the other.i kept tellin myself this is lame,i dont need to write down my feelings or stuff tht i wanna say.coz at the end of the day its only my mind tht needs to knw all tht.but today i finally admit tht my pride is hurt,and i feel the loser.but it was more of the other persons loss and tht makes me the winner for a number of reasons.i dunno how to put this..i was here,i stayed here,and i may be here for a while and then i'll go forward.whereas the other person was there,came here,and then had to go back all the way even further back than where they were b4..so basically im here,unhurt,just minor issues tht r the result of all this but then i will get over them,and i can finally tell myself tht im ok,im not a loser,i shudnt feel ashamed or embarassed coz u knw wot,im not ashamed.or embarassed.
iv been thinkin abt posting sumthing on this for a while..but i kept tellin myself i didnt need to write or rather type out everything,i needed to keep it locked,hidden in my head.but then for the past few days iv been considering maybe typing stuff up here,like i did b4,to see if it makes a difference,coz it sure did b4.but then another voice wud keep sayin dont be silly its ridiculous u r not gonna do tht etc etc.like i sed b4,i cudnt face myself or the fact tht things happen and u jus gotta deal wid them in the best way possible.i write stuff coz firstly i need to get it all out and wirtten infront of me in a way tht makes sense so then i can read it and understand myself and then realise whether or not its a problem,whether its just me or if its sum 1 or sumthing else etc etc.so writing all this out b4 wud mean id have to face the fact tht i felt like a loser and tht maybe id been played wid and tht my pride was hurt.i kept on pretending im the toughest person ever and tht no one cud hurt me.in a way im writing all this shit out bcz i need myself to understand.
i swear to god i am not making any sense to myself.i have no idea wot im sayin..i can just make out the word pride keeps popping up in every sentence.i think theres a reason for tht.its bcz my pride (here i go again) has been hurt bad and for the first time in my life ( i knw im repeating myself but i guess theres a reason for tht too..i NEED to keep tellin myself its ok to admit it if i feel like a loser) iv had to admit tht sum1 has hurt me and tht it actually made a difference to me,i actually look like the loser in this situation.so wot? SO FRIGGIN WOT?? im not dead,im not dying,im not being beat up,im not goin mental,iv not lost money,or my house,or anything else thts important,iv not lost my friends or my family,so wots the big problem?NOTHING.NOTHING AT ALL.NOTHING WHAT SO BLOODY EVER.
im perfectly fine.i have no issues.
now tht im thru wid tht..man i was in total knock-out mode today.i cud hav really knocked this guys face off..i wud have liked to..
also today was a good day for me coz i finally realised tht im the better one..dont ask me wot i mean by tht..but im the better one..my 'replacement' is no where as good as me in any way.
another thing,i dont understand men.and right now,i dont care.
i have no title for this.for once i cnt bother wid a title.like i was told today,'i m not bothered wid this',and thts exactly how i feel.
fine dont bother..u'll be saving urself time..dont make a difference to me whether u bother or not. dont even ask me who i was sayin tht to..
man i was on jal forums the other day and i saw this topic called celebrity sumthing in the fun section..so i thought ok..im in ict class..my teacher is boring the pants off of me(and i did not want my pants to fall off :D) so i thought wot the hell i might as well see wot it is and check out a bunch of other stuff on the forums too..so yea i open it up and its a game where one member is celeb for a week and everyone gets to ask him/her questions and tht person has to answer..and guess who the first one is...me..so yea its cool having ppl ask me silly questions..good to kill time..iv got a leg ache.i dunno y.i had this really really bad leg ache last week in the holidays man it was so bad i was in bed for 2 days and cudnt move my legs..i actually thought i was gonna lose my legs..and i was praying like hell askin god not to do tht to me..
no one interesting online..nothing special to do..stuff at home is a bit awkward..but then again thts how i always feel..asphyxiated(thts my new word :D man im always asphyxiated now) seriously tho...tht best describes it for me..
sumthing my economics teacher sed is bothering me..im sure he wasnt talkin abt me..so then y do i feel like it was so totally abt me..is it coz secretly,deep down i knw tht thts wot im doin and i jus dont wanna admit it? i dunno..but anyway i told myself tht im done wid my issues and tht im gonna study properly now..again..but then the thing thts really bothering me is tht if it was abt me,then am i tht obvious? is it actually obvious at all coz its not supposed to be..man wot the hell i think too much..for all the wrong reasons and abt the wrong things.. i have a feeling i wont stop typing..coz i just hav so much nonsense locked up inside its all bursting out now tht im finally letting it..i think im gonna leave it here for today and i'll have to go back to writing shit here everyday coz now i have alot to say after god knows how long of silence..

I hate u

2006-02-01T18:49:00.000Z

Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

Ur pretty face is gone to hell.Rot in peices

2006-01-17T22:07:00.004Z

Things change.im not liking it.but iv decided i dont give a friggin toss.

2006-01-09T18:43:00.000Z

I have alot to say today..But i havnt really got the time or strength to be sittin here typing it all up..So im gonna leave it...Wont say anything at all
Sumthing i wanted to share..

Do you remember me
You can't see the things
That make me who I am
You'll never understand
And I gotta keep moving,
you're living off my sweat
Moving, the devil's on my back
And these are the days that I dreamed about
And you're always there to remind me
You're my enemy
All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away
But you'll still be my enemy
The friend you had in me
You turned on so easily
I'm sad to see you go
At least now I know
And I see clearly now
You tried to bleed me
And I see clearly now
You're my enemy
All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away
But you'll still be my enemy

Eid Mubarak

After typing all of tht i kinda realise how looong it is..

2006-01-04T19:28:00.000Z

Listening to: fat lip-sum41 (u knw i dont like sum41..especially tht tht errrrrrgly deryck fat faced idiot.)
so yea...its been a while...since i could...be bothered to post sumthing here(try singing tht in the 'its been a while..' tune..man i love that song :D )
thing is..it was holidays..and i was having such a good time,tht i selfishly didnt bother to include u into all of it..na..jus joking (no im not im just sayin this to make u feel better..) and now that tmrw is the first day back to college and today was dental thing appointment,i figured i needed to type loads of crap here on this blogger thingy AKA one of my best friends.reason i sed 'one of' is coz i go around telling the whole world they r my best friend and id look like a multi faced fake if i sed just best friend :D :D
no i am joking.yes i am.i dont knw y im being ridiculous.its probably this song thts doin it..i cudnt care less abt wot they sayin..but its jus this silly punk rock thts making me say funny things..SO ANYWAY..onto important stuff..so iv been ok..i had 2 week holidays..i thought wot the hell i hate holidays i love college etc etc but hey guess wot i really enjoyed my holidays (only one of u knws exactly why :) ) and now i think college is a drag i dont wanna go i wish i had holidays forever.i m not looking fwd to goin tmrw.yayy im normal again!! i guess its coz this was the longest break sonce summer holidays and i got used to it (and saw sense) and realised how stupid it was of me to 'love' college.coz its shit.utterly and totally rubbish.i wont say i hate it.but i just dont feel the same anymore.its pretty sad u knw.come to think of it.i do kinda miss tht feeling of enjoying my day and actually looking fwd to waking up happy in the morning..i miss wanting to study and get good grades..i miss wanting to go economics and laugh at my teacher..i miss actually looking fwd to just walking around doin absolutley nothing and actually enjoying it jus coz it was college..i miss wanting to see all the ppl...but i knw for sure i will never feel the same way abt all this..never again..i knw i'll get into the routine again and i will b absolutely normal..yes i will..i knw i will..but tht little feeling wont be there anymore..tht feeling of actually wanting to be there..the feeling of belonging..tht happy feeling tht always made me feel good abt myself and everything else around me..coz u knw wot..things have changed..and (03/1/06)

ok I kinda had to leave tht incomplete last night..so im continuing now..so yea iv been ill for the past 4 days..fever..cold..got pretty bad last night I felt really dizzy cudnt even stand straight..so ended up staying home today frm college..and I didn’t mind one bit..but u knw wot im not gonna go into all tht now coz wotever I was saying yesterday jus sort of came out I didn’t plan to say it or think abt wot to write b4 I did..it was jus at tht moment I felt tht way..so it wud be pretty stupid for me to try and continue frm where I left it coz Im really not into tht at the moment..im not thinking abt it..and I don’t feel tht way at the moment..im not sayin im thinking differently..no..i still feel the same abt it all..its jus tht im not actually thinking abt it sort of thing..or wotever..iv got a headache and im not thinking straight ok.my eyes hurt.
mujhey nazar lag gai thi.it was pretty bad.wot the hell man I was wearing a purple shalwar kamiz (sumthing which I don’t really normally wear I mean I wear asian clothes and all but never a shalwar kamiz thingy..im almost always in jeans with sumtimes sum sort of kamiz thingy..mostly sumthin which covers abt half an inch of my butt..so u knw wot I mean)
with no makeup or anything(I don’t really wear makeup) but except sum eyeliner..i always wear eyeliner..so yea anyway this aunty and her family came round..my mum and khalas friend..got me presents and all(yayyyyy) and then started sayin zara kitni achi lag rahi hai mashallah etc etc and kept on commenting on how different,nice,and other stuff I looked..and then my khala goes iski nazar utaar lena..and my mum was like acha theek hai wotever koi nazar shazar nahi lagti..and then I got sick and got bokhar and all and so my khala sed dekha nazar lag gai and then they utaared my nazar and then I don’t knw I don’t remember.i don’t knw why I told u all tht.like I sed im not well im not thinking straight so ignore me.
check out google..its got google written in braille.(ignore the sensible capitals here and there.its word's fault.read on u'll c wot im talkin bout)
oh by the way I havnt told u wot im listening to today..sum41 was yesterday..so right now im listening to crawling-linkinpark.
so anyway..i went to the doctor..he gave me 4 different medicines..sed if I don’t go college for a few more days hes gonna give me a ‘doctors note’ to take to college so they dont mark me unauthorized absent.
so yea..i went to the braces ppl yesterday morning..i don’t knw wot he did but I knw he took the friggin wire thingy out and then put a new one in(it was a new one..i think..)and sed I might not need those things for long after all.ok I lied he didn’t say tht.but I assume I wont need them for too long.coz he was saying stuff like tht.but not exactly tht.so I like to assume ok.after tht my teeth r hurting again up till now and it’s the same old story.cnt eat.mouth hurts.tEEth ache.but I knw it’ll take a few days then I’ll be ok.
u knw wot I really cudnt be bothered to type up anything here for a while.but I was getting a lot of complaints from my ‘highly ppl abt how they spend a highly precious 2 secs everyday opening this page only to find I haven’t done anything new.so I figured I cared abt u all too much to put u thru it any longer.i decided to type up sum nonsense.let me tell u sumthing..im actually typing all this up on ms word.yea I knw crazy.but its not my fault.coz yesterday the stupid page wudnt open and so I figured while im waiting I might as well start to type sumwhere else other wise later I might not be in the mood..and the thing didn’t open for half an hr..everything was working fine but the stupid ‘create’ page wudnt.and then I left it incomplete..and then I continued today,on the same thing coz the page still wudnt open..and now it has..so im gonna paste all this there..
ok done it..and it looks so much more prettier without the disgusting green and red underlines.im not really a shit speller..i jus cnt b bothered to spell rite on this..coz no one can tell me wot and wot not to type here.im the boss.and ur not.hahahahahahahahaha.
im gonna go now.bye bye :)

Abdul is a fag

2005-12-31T01:10:00.000Z

yea he is

In a coma

2005-12-22T00:09:00.001Z

2005-12-15T21:33:00.000Z

let me get this straight.everyone thinks im dying or sumthing?well stop ur emails honeys im just as good as cud be,nothing wrong,not dying,not dead already,not tht u actually care huh? but i dont have to knw tht,right? man i cnt even be myself around here,and this was supposed to be MY blog..thank you abdul so much for the few conversations we had in the past 2 days or so..u might not believe it but they meant the world to me..honestly..i love u..ur officially my big bro now

I'd rather paint my face in shadows then force a fake smile

2005-12-14T20:30:00.000Z

how can someone live here?
this place is so cold...so dark...it gives me such pain..
i wonder why i must suffer such pain...now because of you
i welcome pain..i sit in the darkness of an empty room
nothing can be seen or heard but the sound of my dripping blood on the ground..
you see the reflection of the knife...my blood is dripping from the blade..
i bring ths blade close to my mouth....i taste my blood on my lips...its so sweet..
the knife comes down....down to my wrists..i want to end it all...i cut myself...
i scream out in pain as the knife slips from my grip..the wound is too deep
i stand up off the ground...screaming...i rip my shirt and then...silence....
i look to my wrist's....and i drink my own blood...i feel so helpless...no one cares how i suffer...
this is it...look what you have done to me...
...its because of you....that i kill myself

everyone is so full of f***** bull shit!!!you tell me lies yet you smile to my face!!!im not your bloody puppet!!! i wont care and bleed for you again!!!!i will leave it all behind just like everything else, i dont need you..i dont need anyone. I never have...its better off to be alone in silence in the gravethen to live in this f***** up world!!!!running away from pain will get you nowhere..stand still ..face it...die from it...then learn in death.

Everything on my mind at the moment

2005-12-14T18:35:00.000Z

Listening to: H.I.M-behind the crimson door..
mood: im really not sure.
ok im gonna write everything goin thru my mind right now and i dont care if it dsnt make sense.this is my blog and i'll write wotever i want.so here goes..
i really have to do sumthing abt this.im going to.i dont care.even if i die.i really dont care.i will NOT let this go on and make my life hell.also i need a friggin job.i dont care.abt anyone.i have totally stopped working out and this is just not on.i have to lose friggin weight.i dont care how many times u say iv got no weight to lose.i have ok?u just dont see it.yea ok im the only one who thinks i do but wot the hell did u actually think i was gonna do this for any1 else as in sum person whos not me? no way man i think wot i think for myself not coz of any1 else.i have nothing to prove to anyone.only to myself.so yea im gonna cut this 28 to 26.u watch me.give me 3 friggin months.hell id do it in 3 bloody weeks but then thtd get extreme and id end up like i did b4.not doin tht again.i need to do sumthin abt this 34 but dont knw wot.cnt even talk abt it.another thing,im short for life.and he isnt helping me.i knw iv been a bad person but am i the only friggin one? wot abt all the others?they seem to be perfectly happy..wot did i do tht was so friggin wrong tht u chose to leave me and ignore me for the rest of my sorry life?how cum all the real bad ppl get wot they want?why the friggin hell?why do i never get wot i want?ever?wot is all this?i need sumthing to punch and lets jus say its made of human face.
i hate u.i love u.i dont really like u.im so sick and tired of every single thing abt it.each and every bit of it.its all so imperfect.all so disgusting.i hate everything.even the things tht used to be slightly good r stupid now.evil.i hate evil.no hatred.ever.but wot can i do.no wrong.this world.contradiction.

i hate it wen im tryin & failin 2 do my IT assignment staring at the screen,and,suddenly after 4hrs remember i have a blog..i mean HELLO where was i ?

2005-12-13T02:04:00.000Z

Listening to:mera pyar (yes thts wot inspired me to make abduls day {oh yes i did dont even deny it} by declaring my {un} true love for him)
man im still stuck on task 3..kisi idiot ne itna bhi nahi kaha ke taz is there anything u want help wid,not even after iv ben goin on abt how i DO need help and cnt do the friggin thing... :@ GET OUT useless ppl.acha sorry dont get out.i love u.
yar im so bored.i dont knw how to do the friggin thing.this song is getting on my nerves now.id much rather listen to sumthing by H.I.M (good music,YES IT IS) ..u knw wot wen i have nothing to do i go on the jal forums..oh by the way I GOT MY BAG TODAY!!! it came this morning..i had been awake since 8 waiting for the friggin post guy to get it..i was really hoping id get it today..so like yea i was still in bed and every 10 mins or so id shout down to my mum askin her if my bags here yet and she'd be like NO IT ISNT.but i kept on prayin so id get it today and then i did!! my dad goes u paid tht much jus coz its got tht stupid band thing on it! i cud have got a much nicer one for half the price..and i was like yea but u wudnt have H.I.M written on HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.yea it is funny.so yea i was jal forums right,so yea last time sum sad-0 (dont worry i wont say ur name cracker) posted a message usin gohers id sayin farhan had left and today sum any person most probably NOT cracker (no of course not) says tht farhan jus died 3 hrs ago..i mean wot the hell yar go to sleep.idiot.
so yea anyway nothing special hapened today..i just felt extra hot with the HECTIC bag..i like to think im the only one in the world with tht bag..i knw im not but i guess the only one in my area and college is good enuff..
i think i better get started with my work now..iv wasted abt 3 hours.later.bubye.bye.bye bye.see ya.

My brain is bigger than yours.

2005-12-08T21:06:00.000Z

Listening to: H.I.M-wings of a butterfly
man right now i jus need a flippin coke..i diet coke..dont wanna say nothing..nothing at all..just tht i bought a flippin cool H.I.M bag oh my god its so cool..infact i bought 2..one which is black with pink on it (theres is no other colour and i really wanted the bag so...) i think its got the heartagram on it at the back or sumthing.. its the official H.I.M messenger bag and the other im gettin off ebay which is black and has a golden him logo on it and there is this other one which i might buy but im not sure coz its pink again and it looks kinda tacky..here it is..im not sure its worth it tho..so might not buy it..and i bought the official dark light hoodie..its here...so yea thts pretty much it..jus wanted to show u the stuff i got..they'll probably take a few days to get here..anyway..im gonna go have tht friggin diet coke now.later

Possibly the most boring day of my life.

2005-12-07T19:30:00.001Z

OH MY GOD forget the friggin 'listenin to' check this..i went to the friggin economics conference today,totally and utterly friendless as my friends dont do economics (altho my class mates r really cool and we stuck together but i only ever really talk to them in class so we arent actually close) and man wen i got there,the only ugly guys i saw were where my college ppl were sitting!! oh my god talk abt grunger (like i sed it depends on how u describe it.if ur so interested in how i describe then ask me and thou shall be enlightened) filled conference hall..bloody shit and i actually thought we have alright guys at college..man how wrong was i..i totally called helen and told her tht the whole place was filled with 'her' type of guys (if u think im gonna admit i really thought they were fit then ur so wrong hun) and tht she was so totally missing it i mean hell they were all over the place left right and center infact id go so far as to say ALL of them except for my college ppl were so flippin COOL (i wont say hot coz otherwise u'll think i LIKED them) wot wudnt i give to have those type of guys at my college.theres only max,ironmaiden guy and,u know wot thts all,in my college who r close to fitting into tht category (ignoring the fact tht they r quite ugly.)in fact u knw wot scratch tht there r NO guys at my college like tht.no guys in my area like tht.man im jus gonna have to camden again very soon..ok im over the excitement now..apart frm this minor thing the day was so friggin boring even my economics teacher cudnt hide the boredom he was feeling and thts sayin sumthing.oh my god 1 guy took and hr with his speech thingy and OH MY GOD ppl were jus short of begging him to leave everone kept on erupting into sudden applause wen he gave even the remotest sign of having finished,jus so he'd get the hint and jus LEAVE..but the dheet idiot wud jus say oh but im not finished yet..but oh my god the guys who were sitting infront of me (bilal,hasil and them lot from business class) were takin the friggin piss they were the ones who were the loudest in trying to get the man off the stage..and OH MY GOD wud u believe (those who knw wot he is like)tht even lucas was falling asleep (shocked?) god tht was funny..and then in the end yea there was the american guy who had taught at harvard (yea AND..?) came up to talk abt sum transports economics(?) and oh my god i took the flippin piss but u cnt blame me, he kept on sayin 'londin' (idot guy shud learn to say london right) and friggin hell he sed it abt 5 times each sentence..and he was there for half and hr so u can imagine how annoying it must have been..and he was acting pretty wierd dont knw wot his problem was but it was flippin funny..oh my god was i friggin relieved wen we cud finally leave.. god this has been one of the longest days ever..everyone else was livin it up (i ADORE college i think its heaven) in college and i was at the friggin conference with the friggin gud looking guys who i DONT like so they didnt really make much of a difference to my day seeing as i really didnt look at them i just 'saw' them wen i came in and looked around and stuff..i didnt intentionally look at anyone,with 'intentions' :p
man im not interested in guys.(i wanted to say period but then it wud have looked stupid with the full stop coz its the same thing. :D)
honestly i was jus kinda excited for helen coz if she was there she wud have liked it..and maybe we cud even knock sum sense into feriyal and maybe distract her (yes girl u knw u hav 2 ignore and then hopfully,finally,FORGET)
i cud eat a bit today.finally.after days of living on soup.but my teeth still hurt and it will take a lot longer to actually get back to normal..man gotta finish the ict assignment but still cnt do embedded :(

ur pretty face can go to hell

2005-12-05T20:35:00.000Z

Listening to:sum sad up cover of jal's ik din aayega by sum band frm here..im gonna tell the guy he sucks major time..na im not tht mean..i just wont say its good..i wont say anything..i really shud change the song to sumthing worth listening to..ok so now listening to oasis-dont look back in anger..man oasis is like one of the best bands.
so anyway by now u must have noticed tht my titles r not to be bothered with.they r just random randomnesses tht i think of..i dont think they ever mean anything mostly..yea i do have the odd title tht means sumthing or has sumthing to do with the days ramblings..but mostly its jus stuff tht i feel like saying..
so yea anyway..i went to college today..braces and all..and u knw wot nothing happened.infact ppl told me im lucky tht i dont look bad with them..i look ( good) like always..so yea tht was nice to hear..not tht i didnt knw already :p
so anyway they have totally cut up my mouth inside..and the friggin guy didnt bother to give me the friggin wax so i sent my mum to get it today..and she got it..so yea i used the friggin thing..not much difference but anyway..still cnt eat..good thing..i need to lose weight anyway..(dont tell me im skinny u knw i will never
agree) anyway blue had a haircut..OM MY GOD i was like wot the hell to his face poor guy must have thought there was sumthing wrong wid him..god all tht beautiful wavy dark blonde hair..idiot practically shaved his head..but then again he musta seen my braces and thought wot the hell urself girl..man im so happy tht u can hardly see the friggin things..i look so normal and brace-less its so cool i thought id have to stay in my room for the whole next year..u knw wot last night my mum was sitting wid me b4 i went to sleep and she sed sumthing abt how my birthday was in 3 months and oh my god i was so shocked wen i realised tht it was the total truth(i had still been thinking oh theres a whole year left for my 17th b'day)tht i was like hello taz REALITY CHECK and oh my god my birthday IS in 3 months time..i dont wanna b 17 :( im growing up too quickly..i really thought theres still abt a hundred months left for my birthday..but no..reality sucks..my birthday is in march,in three months time and theres isnt a thing i can do abt it..except maybe die..but then thtd mean not turning 17 EVER.i bet i wont even get any presents.coz everyone hates me :'( :'(
*attempts to make u feel sorry and say "im gonna get u 10 presents!" *
so like anyway i havent got much else to say except im hungry but i aint gonna eat and im happy abt it! (need to lose sum major weight :D)
probably be back tmrw to say sum more.later

I dont want to.

2005-12-03T17:38:00.000Z

listening to: Staind-its been a while
Feeling: sorry for myself..but i know wots right and wots wrong (at the moment),i know wot lane i dont wanna go down..and i think i have quite a lot of will power..or do i..

It's been a while since I could hold my head up high..
It's been a while since I could say I love myself as well..

This is my diary.not just an entertainment thing for ppl to read.this is me.this is not a book or magazine.and i do it,not for u,but for myself.i need to get all this out.i never believed in writing.i do now.the fact tht u read it is just an extra tht comes with this form of writing..im doin it online after all..somehow i feel the safest putting it up here tho..no idea y..know wot its kinda funny how ppl find my fears,sorrows,everyday life,annoyance and feelings entertaining.im not being mean at all.im the one who told all my friends to read it.im the one who put up a link on my profile in a few places.im just saying..im the same u knw i read ppls blogs and yea i get addicted,i find them entertaining,funny even.but im just sayin,tht no one in this world wud be ready to listen to me reliving my day,whining,feeling sorry for myself,being happy,or just plain complaining.no body wants to know.no one gives a flying hoot abt my life and wot happens in it.so why read my blog?y consider it sumthing enuff to comment on it or think abt wots written in it.why come back again?i know for a fact tht there are a few ppl who i USED to know who read this blog.im not gonna say names. some of them infact KNOW WHO THEY ARE.why the hell do u read it?i know u dont comment coz we really dont have anything to do wid each other,but why do u read it?u know its not coz u care.then wot is it?is it coz ur bored?need sumthing,anything to read?sumthing funny and entertaining?
dont get me wrong im not being out of order,i write a blog coz i WANT ppl to read it and know abt my life.but its kinda wierd dont u think tht when i tell ppl to read my blog they do,they want to read it again,but if i ever try to tell sum1 sumthing abt my life it just isnt important enuff to be heard.no one wants to know.

iv been happy.infact my life is pretty much ok now,i like college,im doin well,its not bad,but theres one thing i dread ever week.leaving my last class on friday.i have never felt as lonely,helpless and just downright depressed as i do wen i leave tht class in a long time.its economics,it ends at around 4.30 and i think thts like one of the last classes in the whole college on friday.its pitch dark by then,and i walk out of the building and to the main one,where i go up to my locker..im the only one who goes this way as others in my class dont have a locker there,infact none of them use a locker.so they go straight out the other way..by this time the whole college is absolutely empty,and u know wot,sum of the lights r even off,i dont know y the kids do tht,they just turn out the lights.so i walk to my locker feeling absolutley dreadful and lonely,get my suff,walk down and through to the reception.tht walk to the reception is so depressing i will never be able to describe it..im the last one to leave..everyone else has gone,i walk thru the dark,dark college,not afraid or anything,but just wondering wot id done to deserve this loneliness...im extremely claustrophobic and one wud think an empty college is nothing for me to get all claustrophobic on,coz iv got all the space,but believe me it feels as though im trapped inside a small space with no oxygen,sum place tht has no way out,a place tht is a punishment..i get to the reception and look outside through the doors..the dark night looks terribly inviting compared to tht prison im in..i walk out..past the park and go on my way..i feel ok..now mostly friends are with me all through the ordeal..we go home together..but sumtimes wen i have to walk through to the main bulding myself,its depressing.yesterday i was on my own..ppl i hang with werent around so i walked out on my own..it was raining HEAVILY..i walked out..i was in an alrite mood all day,but not completely happy,i had a few things on my mind..but tht dark lonely college with the pouring rain made me cry..i went to the park right next to the college..it would have been scary to any1 else..but like i sed,im not scared of being on my own or being in the dark.i took off my jacket threw everything i was holding to the ground and jus sat there and cried in the rain for a good 20 mins..now all this may sound funny.but the dark,the silence and the loneliness always reminds me of all the bad things tht have ever happened to me,all the times iv been hurt,all the times iv missed sum1-any1,all the times iv cried,all my fears..and u know wot,it makes me cry..i had sent my cuzn a txt earlier and he sensed i wasnt doing too gud so he called me and i told him where i was and he told me to get outa there right tht instant..so i did..and we talked,he cares,and i know he does..which is y i tell him everything i dont tell any1 else..coz i know he'll understand..and wen we finally hung up,i was smiling..a few kind comforting words is all i need..i dont ask for much..if only the world wud realise,tht i dont want anything,i just dont want wot i dont want..i never ask for much,infact i dont 'ask' much at all,and if i ever do,its nothing much,nothing unfair.
so yea i got my braces.its very annoying.its so funny i dont remember how to eat anymore coz iv got metal on my back teeth and thts where i actually chew so chewing on metal wont be nice..i dont think i'll eat.i just dont feel like it,with this in my mouth.its really wierd i dont knw how to explain.its almost like im not supposed to eat.flip eating man,i dont wanna eat.im still doin tht ict work.i dont know how to do the embedded if.

2005-12-03T14:31:00.001Z

p.s abdul ur a genius!!!

HAHAHA.very funny.sumhow i missed the joke.

2005-12-03T14:31:00.000Z

ok i got them.the friggin braces.laugh ur face off now.shame u will b dissapointed tho.coz i luk as gud as ever.dont think i will have a problem.HA.

ICT Task 3:This is a design, software development and testing task (no i cannot translate to english) friggin (x 10000000 still my fav word) ICT

2005-12-02T00:23:00.001Z

knw wot...its 12.30..and im doin task 3 of the ICT assignment..sumhow i know u knew tht..but how the hell,i wonder....its not like i totally titled this friggin thing with it..no...coz if i had then id understand...i wonder..I WONDER...
man its sum shit on excel (my arch enemy since 10th grade) and i gotta use sum vlookup and sum if crap..i knew how to do it..but sumhow i cnt apply it to my thing..man i totally need sum 'geek' (hint hint) to help me with it..man i hate being an english math and science person..i had an economics test today..man i nearly died..so flippin scared tht id fail..hell i nearly passed out when i saw the paper..so have to use the friggin inhaler again now coz got the breathing shit again and all now..i hate it..i thought i got rid of it...oh hey u knw wot my bro and his gang at school r doin a cover of greenday's boulevard of broken dreams at thier xmas party..my bro on lead guitar,sum dude who plays sick drums on the drums,sum guy whos gonna play bass on bass,and the guy,whoever he is,whos gonna sing,is gonna sing and a few other random guys guys doin wotever else is left to do..so now u knw who they all r.i am so friggin sleepy..oh by the way the braces thing for tuesday got cancelled and its a good thing coz tuesday was like one of the best days of my life :D :D i wont say it here coz god knows how many damned spies r reading this friggin thing..so anyway the braces thing is on for saturday now..man i dont mind the braces but im jus dreading the abuse i'll be getting on the first few days..all the friggin teasing... :( friggin idiots..man the sooner it gets over the better..im not looking fwd to the next year of my life..i have changed the friggin song now..im now usual depressed self,listening to H.I.M funeral of hearts as im about to continue with my work now..its nearly friggin 1.30..man i need sum friggin sleep..im friggin tired..i need to get up friggin early in the friggin morning..i got 4 friggin classes..friggin tiring friggin day tmrw..and this friggin chewing friggin gum sucks big friggin time..iv had it for the friggin past friggin 3 friggin hrs..its friggin tasteless..friggin stupid gum..friggin hell man

OH BY THE WAY JUS REMEMBERED
can sum1 tell me how i can get the stuff tht was on the side of the page tht is now at the bottom of the page back to the side of the page? like i sed im an english.science and math kid...

:|

2005-11-27T21:14:00.000Z

Listening to: arooj aftab and mizraable's mera pyar..
im in a very quiet mood..i mean quiet as in i dont wanna speak..dont wanna talk to anyone..jus wanna be quiet and listen to the song..i have nothing to say..but i had this strange urge to come and type this up here..i dont knw why..im thinking of everything thts ever happened to me..and iv realised i dont want to be thinking abt it all..im not feeling too good..i wont sleep tonight..sumtimes wen im in this sort of state i feel like staying up late at night wen everyones asleep so i can be myself and feel free..and i have work to do too...so yea todays one of those days...im gonna have a long hot bath to relax then im gonna have a few coffees and stay up all night..i feel tht i can only function properly at night wen everyones asleep and im in my own little world...

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night

2005-11-26T23:46:00.000Z

Listening to: Paparoach-last resort
i havnt got a bad tEEth ache today..its better..so i had a better day..it was my kid bros birthday today..hes 15..seems like only yesterday he was a baby..(i wud remember seeing as im only a year older than him :D man i just felt like sayin it coz u knw all the grown ups say it..and also,kitna barra ho gya hai..!!)
man today i actually experianced wot its like to b a proud older sister..i mean proud of my little bro..we had quite a few ppl over and one of my aunties asked my bro wen he was doin his o'level exams..and wot year he was in..and he replied sayin hes in yr 10 but doing his exams this year (next year june but in 10th grade) and she was like kya?woh kaise? and at tht moment i felt so proud to tell her tht he had been given the option to do his GCSEs this year bcz his teacher think he can do it coz hes brilliant so theyr sort of giving him advanced classes..and how he got loads of certificates of achievement and how hes got a couple of awards too and etc etc abt wot a brill student he is..and u knw wot i cud have gone on for eva coz at tht moment i felt so proud of him and thts wen i totally realised how proud i am of him..i didnt really think if it b4 at all..maybe it was bcz i was having an emotional thing coz it was his birthday and he turned 15 and everyone was goin on abt how hes jawaan and all and i cud totally relate coz i was 15 only a year ago too and i clearly remember how i felt etc etc..(by the way i also knw how it feels to do ur gcses a year early coz i did a few too :D now u knw where my bro gets it from :D )aur aaj kal hes doing so much hes doing some business course,school,few exams,plays guitar at events at school,plays wicked drums..and hes an excellent bro too..man i love him soooooo much..i hope he reads this.. anyway...im kinda dissapointed tht i didnt feel like eating much today bcz i cud have as my teeth ache is better..i cud have taken advantage but i didnt..now i bet it will be bad again tmrw and i'll b really hungry..typical me luck..
man i still cant believe im getting braces on tuesday..im not gonna think abt it..
i cant think of anything interesting to say..i feel so much pressure to be funny and interesting on this thing coz feriyal totally thinks of it as sum totally addictive magazine thingy and she cant wait for updates,and then a few of my friends found it very interesting and funny ..so now im under a lot of pressure :( (ok im not.im lying) my sis is standing next to me right now..she just came up after watching sum film and coz iv been up here for a while she wants to talk to me a bit b4 goin to sleep..anyway i got sum concert pics off sum1 today seeing as mine were so shit.

i got a few more but cant put them on this for sum reason..i'll try again tho..anyway..u see this second pic yea,me and my friends were a bit further aagey then this so we had an excellent veiw..shame the pics were shit..it was really cool..cnt wait for another one..
i kinda need some pringles now..sour cream and onion ones..those things r my life..god i cant live widout green pringles..i hate all the other flavours..barbeque,paprika,jalepeno,pizza,ketchup, and all the other fancy flavours r a joke..theyr shit.sour cream and onion rules! and 7up man,7up rules.my lil sis is standing next to me,she wants me to chat to her coz shes not sleepy..shes asking me if ppl read this blog..i told her yes..then she goes r u gonna write abt me? so i sed yes..theres sumthin goin on on my street..bare police and lots of ppl shouting lots of noise..saturday night innit,we got quite a few pubs nearby..so u knw wot its like...my lil sis is so pretty!!! shes got the prettiest green eyes and shes such a gori shes adorable!! shes sooooo cute!! i love her to bits..shes trying to read wot im typing..she can read quite well now..its amazing how fast shes growing..it seems like only a while back she was a tiny little baby..shes such a creative,sensible little girl,very good at art..she says she wants to b an artist wen she grows up..shes into ballet,loves pink and purple and shiny clothes,a very girly little girl.she loves dolls..especially bratz but she dsnt admit it..but she says barbie is her fav.....then theres my other lil bro who quite a decent kid most of the time..very naughty tho..both my bros love to take the piss outa me..anyway y am i goin on abt my family so much today..
i really cnt think of anything else to say at the moment..
im gonna give my bro his present tmrw..he wanted cash coz he dsnt knw wot he wants at the moment so i sed ok i'll give u cash..so im gonna give him loads of money..yea i knw im a bloody excellent sister.dont u wish i was ur sis now :D ? iv got 4 politics essays to write,2 economics past papers,a whole load of economics and business notes to make,and an ICT presentation which is not easy at all.wish me luck.allah hafiz :(

Where do bad folks go wen they die?They dont go to heaven where the angels fly..

2005-11-24T20:34:00.000Z

Listening to : Paparoach-last resort
Feeling: shit.tEEth ache (a toothache,my intellectual reader,is when one of ur teeth aches.a teethache however is wen LOADS OF UR TEETH ACHE.my politics teacher learnt tht frm me today..i swear tht guy owes me dough)
so anyway business class was cancelled today..and no politics class tmrw..man id love to hear wot max thinks of all this..unfortunatly we dont have the same politcs class and he dsnt do business..hed be so pissed..he hates it wen the teacher lets us out 5 mins early..we had quite a nice conversation today..he always says hi to me (so sweet) and i must have been stressing over a pen lid tht i had just lost wen he said gud morning to me today,so i was like wot did u say sumthing he goes yea,MORNING,and i was like oh,ok,yea..so he sat infront of me listening to hid cds( i honestly dnt knw y the guy bothers wid tht HUGE cd player) but anyway he told me to listen to this cd of his and asked wot i thought.it was his friends band.the guys voice kinda reminded me of billy joe's (altho max totally disagreed) but i liked their music..especially the one tht sounded like staind's its been a while...man im gonna listen to tht now..havnt heard staind in a long time..so we got talking abt diff bands..turns out he hates H.I.M (which i love) and he loves greenday(which i hate)..so anyway tht was a pretty interesting conversation..wot else..oh yea fter my hr break i found out tht business was cancelled..so that was cool..then had ICT..tht was quite tiring,especially with SUMONE being especially loud and bossy and downright annoying in class..man i wud knock her out if i didnt have any respect for ppl who r older than me..and im not talking abt the teacher..hes a guy..it rained like shit and it was sooooooooooo windy..it was pretty stormy..apparently its gonna snow tmrw or saturday..or sumthing..not looking fwd to it..
if i cud then i wud i'll go wherever u will go
man this teeth thing is really bad i dont think i can take for another week..and then god knws wot having braces is like..this is killing me..oh and by the way iv lost weight..my jeans were literally falling off today..luckily i always wear tht chunky studded belt so it didnt fall off..wen i can home i took it off literally without unzipping it or anything..man tht was freaky..
way up high or down low i'll go wherever u will go
nothing else to say..cant think of anything..oh yea..blue..im not telling u wot it is..blue is killing sum1..by doing nothing,literally...blue l..dsnt realise tht 'its' causing sum1 so much grief...but hey wot else cud have been expected..nothing to tell u the truth...dont ask me wot tht was..jus wanted to say it out loud..but theres no one to listen to me so gotta type it instead..so u can read it..im gonna go now..iv suddenly lost the will to keep on typing..im ok..i'll be ok..i just need a decent nights sleep thts all...bye

I have a terrible mouth-ache...

2005-11-23T19:24:00.000Z

Listening to : Nirvanas cover of lake of fire ( the meat puppets.) this is slower than the original one but i think they really do it justice..infact id say its better...
Feeling: EXTREME pain (ok not extreme but slight) my mouth hurts man iv got those bloody plastic/rubber thingys ('seperators' they called them) in my teeth and i cant talk,cant eat,infact cant even open my friggin mouth :( man it hurts alot.im not allowed to chew gum,which wud actually make me feel better,but IM NOT ALLOWED.tried eating sumthing but cant (even tried sum fried chicken abdul)..hurts too much :( :( i cant believe i actually agreed to go thru with this..i cant even complain now..thts the worst bit..got no one to blame but myself..man i hate this..anyway..i went to college..politcs was cancelled..alf filer (economics teacher..pisses me off) got on my nerves..so i got on his..hahaha..me and my friend freaked him out totally..i was in ICT today when i read a scrap frm a friend in pak..and it made me feel so happy,i forgot abt my toothache and everything thts happened in the past few weeks..all he had to say were a few friendly words and tht if i ever need anything hes there for me..and u knw wot the funny thing is we've never actually met..proves wot i sed the other day..but sum friends really annoy me by not commenting on my blog..sum friends who's names start with a C-R-A-C-K-E-R and a S-A-L-M-A :p man these two shuld get married..they did come across each other one very unfortunate day..lets just say it didnt go too well :D...man iv sed it once and i'll say it a million times charlie simpsons voice kicks ass..by the way abt the thing i was talking abt a week or so ago,the 'thing' tht was gettin me loads of unwanted attention....yea tht 'thing'..well sumthing cracker sed the other day made me realise how wrong it must have sounded..it is not big as in BIG.all i mean is tht coz its not FLAT and unshapely like other ppls it kinda got noticed...it is not BIG.its just really shapely and ok looking(ok its really nice looking..i just dont like it)..and if u dont knw wot im talking abt i suggest u go and read the previous posts until u cum across sumthing tht sounds remotely linked to wot i jus sed..man this guy (total ASIAN BHANGRA dude if u get wot i mean) looked at my top today (the nirvana one with the yellow smiley on it) and then looked at me in total disbelief..like i was wearing sumthing really wierd,strange or even unlawful..man thts annoying..especially when u get those wierdoes cuming up to u sayin ' r u a grunger? i mean HELLO im me and i dont knw whether im a grunger or not coz i dont knw wot U think it means..so it depends on how u define it..bloody hell u can call me a guy as long as u define it as a girl..i hate those asian ppl who ask me if im a grunger...i hate being labled...and im one of the very very few asian girl 'grungers' u'll see at a college or come to think of it anywhere in london (possibly the whole of england).infact,now tht i think of it im the only one at college like me...and one of the very few girl 'grungers' in general(not jus asian).man do wot u want jus dont have a problem with others coz they doin exactly wot u doin too: doin wot they want.TOOTHACHE :'( a really bad one as well..im hungry..but cant eat nothing..which is a good thing..i need to go on a diet anyway...

hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?
i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

im gona go now..i feel like im getting a fever and i dont want tht coz i gotta get up extra early tmrw so im gona go have a paracetamol..or two..or a thousand..

Today marks the day my teeth started to be subjected to torture(for the next TEN years..read on to find out why)

2005-11-22T21:04:00.000Z

Listening to: U2-with or without u
Feeling: BAD.and this time i mean bad as in bad.my teeth hurt.got a headache.my life is ruined

today i went to the ortho-sumthing ppl(i dont knw wot its called ok?).the dentist guys tht dont like being called dentist coz they got a posher clinic and deal with much more 'serious' things than fillings...i was goin last time..i mentioned it..but then i had to cancel tht.coz i had to.for sum reason.so anyway i went.and i had to wait for years and they had sum shit tv wid sum shit music channel playin shit songs.oh my god it was so annoying all tht shit tht i hate..lucky i took my mp3 playa...so i was listening to my last breath..the song..getting all scared of wot was gonna happen coz i didnt have a clue abt wot i was there for..for all i knew they might just stick the bloody braces on today..anyway (my fonts dark green coz abdul cussed the pink..hows the green look bruv :D ?) so yea anyway i was finally called in..did all the stuff abt detail coz it was my first visit..then the guy goes ok..so y do u want braces..so i explained abt how i hate my teeth and tht just coz he cant see tht i need braces dont mean i actually dont need braces..so he goes oookay....and then he goes ok ur gonna get braces...for a year (ok so i did get shook yea but then i was expecting tht atleast coz i cant have em on for only a week) tht wasnt a problem.but then he sat down and started bullshitting abt how its my choice but if i decide to go for it i must be very commited etc etc and tht it serious business these braces (yawn x 1000..it was boring) and then he goes well once ur brace comes off u gonna have a retainer etc etc and i was like yeaaa and...? and he goes well u gonna have to hav the retainer in atleast 2 nights a week..(pause) FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!
ok so he didnt say tht.wot he did say tho was tht id have to put in the retainer atleast 2 times a week at night and id be required to do tht untill way into my 20s..and i was like wot the hell..my teeth aint even bad..but then i finally sed its ok im still gonna do it retainer or no retainer..its at night so i dont really mind..but still i was thinkin it wont leave me alone till im abt 26..but anyway its better than shit teeth..so yea then him and the ortho woman whoever she was,checked out wot was gonna be done,in short checked out my teeth..chatted between themselves in dentish(the dentist language with the wierd names for teeth and stuff.i made the name up :) ) and then they go okay we gonna do sum xray and the gonna put sumthing(4got wot he sed) in ur back teeth..i was being totally terrified but i didnt show it,infact i smiled and sed yea cool...anyway i had to wait again and then finally they go ok we gonna put in those (rubber) things..so i thought ok..and they put in these little blue round bits tht feel like rubber so i assume they r rubber,between 8 of my teeth,,the back ones 2 each up and down both sides..man it hurt but not too much..but then later on in the day it started gettin funny and sort of irritating..i mean iv got these things stuck between my teeth..its annoying..i keep having to chew gum to sort of feel better..even tho i was told to not eat much especially sticky stuff..its so bloody annoying!!!! man i feel like taking them out..its getting on my nerves..iv gotta wait till 29th to have them out tho..coz then im having my brace put in..im not looking forward to it.i can definaltely wait.another century.or 2.but its my teeth we're talkin bout.so NO im not gonna delay it.man i cudnt help thinking,kids get braces wen they at skool.im getting mine in college.thts my whole college career gone down the drain.no more 'hi taz u look gud' instead alot of 'hi taz u brace-face how cum u so ugly?'
man...it was so gud while it lasted..now my popular days r numbered..exactly 7 days left...my mouth hurts.i think its coz iv got alot of economics work to do...i think i shud go and do it now..i think i'll have sum fried chicken now abdul...

2005-11-22T13:43:00.000Z

IV CHANGED THEM ALL TO PINK :D IT LOOKS SO NICE!

Coca-Cola touches the lives of millions of people each and every day

2005-11-21T20:07:00.001Z

Listening to: Evanescence(YES thts how u spell it) -my last breath
Feeling:pretty cool,i just realised tht i can choose wot colour font i want..yea i am pretty blind..i knw..but i kinda chose this cute pink coz its nice..i have bare economics work to do now..will do it in a bit..thts kinda pissin me off..apart frm tht i feel kinda ok..read on to see why..

Check this out..http://www2.coca-cola.com/heritage/stories/index.html

Hello,i just had pizza and 5 cans of coke..and coke makes me feel kinda happy..plus pizza makes me happy...i actually hate coke and i always tell my mum not to ever buy cans of coke..bottles i dont mind coz i knw i wont drink none..but when i see cans of coke..i kinda lose it..they look so nice..so i drink one..coke isnt my fav drink..but i drink it anyway..there is a reason why i always tell my mum not to bring cans of coke..coz when i drink one..i feel like another one..and another one..and another one..and another one..and i end up drinking atleast 5 or 6..literally..and tht makes me high.LITERALLY.god it feels so cool having drank 5 cans of coke..i dont knw y but im kinda addicted to coke only wen i drink it which isnt often coz i hate coke.does tht make sense? i didnt think so...man once last year i drank a whole 6 pack of coke and started jumping up and down on all the beds in the house..tht was at my khalas place and she was like wot the hell is up with u??ur acting wierd..and i just laughed and laughed..and kept on jumping on the beds...tht was funny..i kinda have similar stuff with jus one can of red bull..once i was at school and had a red bull..a while later my science teacher walked by and said hi..i walked right up to him,laughed in his faceand sed 'whoa ur an alien!!'
the poor guy was like wot? and jus sed see u in class and walked away looking CONFUSED! sumthing else happened once but its a long story i wont go into it..i was with salma..sumthing to do with tables and chairs..not tellin u tho :D
im wierd with these drinks..bloody hell this is just soft drinks..wot the hell wud i be lyk if i had alchohol..no i dont do alchohol..i dont intend to either..
man this colour is nice..i wonder if i can use loads of different colours..yea i can..! cool..now im gonna use loads of colours...wot else can i say...let me think of wot happened today...maybe i can find sumthing interesting to tell u...i had a green apple..an orange flavour choclate..my locker is red..my sweater was black..sum1 wears disgusting blue (dont ask me wot tht meant) my politics book i got today was kinda this colour..i think..my hair is brown and red..err..ok tht was boring..i cnt think of nothing to say tho..im still kinda thinking..oh yea iv got key skills class tmrw ;) no helen im NOT gonna miss it..
man charlie simpson has got a heavy voice..i love it..

Loves light blue,led me to u
thru the emptiness tht had become my home
Love's lies cruel,introduced me to u
And at tht moment,i knew,i was outa hope

Kill me, i begged and love said no
leave me for dead and let me go
kill me,i cried and love said no

Loves icy tomb,dug open for u
lies in a cemetary tht bears my name
Love's violent tune,from me to u
rips your heart out and leaves u bleeding
with a smile on your face

loves light blue,took me from you
And at tht moment,i knew tht i was out of hope...again

What i have to say today

2005-11-20T20:53:00.000Z

Listening to: Spin doctors-two princes
Went to east london today...saw zenib..she brought the concert pics..oh my god they were so shit u cudnt see a thing..major dissapointment..the second one in 2 days actually..i saw harry potter and the GOF on dvd on saturday,and i have to say it was shit.maybe im too critical coz i compare it to the book..coz im a devoted harry potter book reader and i only check out the film coz its sumthing to do with the book..otherwise wudnt be interested..u knw wot these film guys just butcher the whole story..(hahahaha got it off sum chinese guy in kilburn while everyone else was paying mini fortunes to go and watch it at the cinema!!)iv got a toothache..dont feel too good..had a shower now feel frozen..i hate winter coz like after i get out the bath i kinda feel annoyed coz i feel cold after the hot shower and its just bloody annoying coz i feel ill and i get a headache...im typing so fast i think im really angry...i think.....i just had pakorey and roti..man they were BAD (v.nice :)
im kinda stuffed.dont knw y.i didnt eat much.i hate it wen i feel this way.i wanted to do my economics work for tuesday by today so i cud re-do sum other economics homework ,tht i cud have done better on,by tuesday.i mean so tht id have time to do the other one tmrw...i dont knw if u understand..and u knw wot i dont really care..coz this isnt important.
i dont get the deal with ppl who listen to stupid ppl like mcfly..personally,i saw mcfly once on tv and i knew id never bother to listen to them again even once..and guess wot,i didnt.
im claustrophobic and zoophobic.and it aint a nice feeling.some ppl find it funny..but it isnt..it just isnt in my hands to get over it..i knw sum1 (i wont say who coz she will kill me) who us terrified of bridges.yes bridges.seems silly.but she can literally pass out at the thought of walking over a bridge.and i get wot she feels.it feels as tho the bridge is gonna fall and ur gonna fall down into wotever it is beneath it..i kinda think tht if ur frightened of bridges then u must be afraid if heights too..coz like thts wot a bridge is..sumthing up there tht u feel u may fall off..but thts not neccessarily true..its just one of my theories again..by the way its called
Gephydrophobia, Gephyrophobia or Gephysrophobia..the fear of crossing bridges.
im having an argument with cracker(friend) at the moment..he thinks chicken spot has the best food while i say perfect fried chicken is better..we both agree dixy is shit :D
kitney faarigh hain hum dono :D :D
if u cant read urdu its not my problem.
OH MY GOD jals panchi vdo came on shitty vectone..i managed to catch the last 20 secs while my mum was changing the channel..thts the first time i saw it on tv..i didnt think vectone wud manage to get it this year..coz they got aadat wen it was like a year and a half old.shit channel..wot wudnt i give to watch IM and the muzik here..i miss anoushay..and faizan..and DINO :) man i love his song pari...i kinda like listening to his voice..dunno y i jus enjoy it..
anyway..my sister wants me to read her a story..danny the champion of the world..i was reading a bit of it earlier on..nice story..i kinda like the kid in it.. danny..good kid..im goin now..bye :)

Should i be pouring out my heart and soul here..?

2005-11-18T22:09:00.000Z

Listening to: stone temple pilots- creep (half the man i used to be).this is NOT a nirvana song,as it has been mislabled all over the internet.very old song all the same..
Mood: in a dark, dangerous, depression
Feeling: extremely lonely(in a very noisy house might i add) very angry,frustrated,i wanna shout that it aint fair,wot aint fair u ask...nothing is fair...

i am so D'd at the moment..i cant even understand myself..i just cant understand why ppl die..why does it happen?why am i so scared of it while no one else gives it a second thought?why do i feel so scared and alone when i live in a world full of ppl,live in a house with 4 other ppl,go to a college with hundreds of ppl,walk streets packed with other ppl walking,go places with other ppl there?why do i feel that at the end of the day i have no one,no one at all..

Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me
I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

im not gonna say much..coz i havnt got much to say..not much tht i wanna say..u knw how yesterday i sed that not everybody who i knw is my friend,well i meant it..coz kids nowadays tend to call anybody a 'mate'..sum person in class,sum person they met once or twice,sum person at school,or in sum cases sum1 they actually KNOW..but i aint gonna do that..i knw who my friends r..and beleive me i havnt actually got that many close friends who i can actually actually call friends..and its not coz theres sumthing wrong wid me..its the world thts got sumthing wrong wid it..right now id like to say i have no friends..but id be being unfair coz i can remember friends who have actually been there for me,come thru for me etc etc,and id be being unfair and ungrateful to them if i sed tht.and i am not and unfair or ungrateful person.whoever my friends are,i am very grateful to u for being who u r and i appreciate u.
sumthing iv been wanting to say out loud but didnt coz whoever heard me wud think its silly,is that ppl who i have never met,ppl i dont knw anything abt except the things they have told me,ppl for example iv met on the internet r sumtimes better friends than real friends.bcz i dont knw them,dont see them,dont even knw if wot they say is true,its much less likely to be hurt by them.there isnt any gunjaaish (i cnt find the english word for this) for that sorta thing coz u knw wot at the end of the day u knw not to expect anything frm tht sorta thing which results in no real disapointment.the guys voice in this song is making me cry. listen to it..u might like it
stone temple pilots-creep

Thursday,17th November

2005-11-17T19:28:00.000Z

Listening to: annie-mahiya (read on for an explanantion)
Doing :jack shit
Feeling:lots of things..to cut a long story short,SAD
hello.eddie guerrero died.im not happy.wont go into detail.dont wanna talk abt it.dont wanna think abt it.
ok abt the song,i havnt had a personality transplant or anything.but u knw wen sumtimes u hear this shitty song with cheesy lyrics and say wot the hell and after listening to a few times,u r actually singing it without actually knowing..like ur brain sorta likes it,but u dont..i dont like this song..but its so shit that i actually listen to it and,well theres no other way to say it,i like it..in a way..LOOK U KNW WOT ITS LIKE WEN A SONG IS SO ANNOYING THAT U ACTUALLY START LIKING IT?yea course u do.like a while back i was all for tht friggin crazy frog to be banned.i thought it was so flippin ridiculous that it cud actually cause a person to have a panic attack (dont ask y,its one of my many cool theories) but then one day i realised that i actually liked it..its a ring tone actually but its the classic example to illustrate my point.same with sum thing called lolas theme by sum ppl called shapeshifters last year.sum shitty dance tune.it was so bloody annoying that i started to like it..
enuff abt that..this week hasnt been the best...i have had quite a few things happenening..dont wanna say much..but now i knw helen will do anything i dare her to do...i thought i was the most confident(not to mention bravest) one..harry potter film coming out tmrw..i dont even knw if i can go and see it tmrw..faryal dsnt wanna see it..helen probably will come but i just dont think i'll be going for sum reason..havnt spoken to salma and zen since we went concert..need to call michaela..showgufa might think i ignored her today..i didnt..need to email pak frnds..god i have too many friends :D :D
i havnt even started naming them all yet..dont make me..im such a perfect person na that i have about a million friends...na jus kidding not everyone i knw is my friend..im not that easy u knw....i dont just let anyone be a friend..ppl who knw me dont all come under the friend category...no..it takes time..and things tht happen..to make me trust sumone and call them a friend..
but the friends i do have i knw i can trust..and i knw for a fact that they care abt me..and i care truck loads for them too..so im a good friend..anyway..im one step closer to becoming a rock star now..dont ask me y..i'll keep telling wenever im one step closer..but wont neccesarily say how or why..coz u may find everything really stupid..but wotever it is it means alot to me..so i wont say..anyway..wenever we r free me and helen walk around checking out the guys at college looking for a potential drummer...sumone with strong arms,sum1 tall,(good looking) and sumone who 'looks' like a drummer..we found a few guys..lawrence (guy ;) ) ,iron maiden guy(sum guy who wears an iron maiden shirt all the time) and drummer guy(we dont knw his name but since hes the first guy we found we call him drummer guy) its so much fun that we go around selecting ppl for our band..its our little game.. its just so much fun..we've already decided lucas (guy in few of my classes,cracks me up,remind me of hassam both by attitude and looks) will play bass,he just dsnt knw it yet..i guess my bro will manage us...and m (sweet guy who helen LUURVES..pity hes gay) can be our number 1 fan..we aint got nothing else for him to do...sorry m :p if he wants to lug around our equipment wen we have our big up concerts tho hes welcome..so m is the roadie..him and his boy friend and other gay friends...I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY PPL OK.just bcz i wud never be gay and i dont think any1 is born gay dsnt mean i have a problem wid gay ppl.dont get me wrong.i love m.dont have no prblm..my house is so bloody noisy my kid bros and sis want me off the computer now theyr ganging up on me and any minute now my lil sis will be beating the crap outa me..so i gotta go..later

Title-less

2005-11-13T15:01:00.000Z

Listening to (sorry i just have to start like this :D) : Nickelback-Someday on my right speaker/How u remind me on my left speaker..
Check it out http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm
Doing: jack
Mood:nothing in particular.got a headache.at home wid my lil sis.supposed to be tidying the house.havnt even thought of studyin a bit..i knw i shud..waiting for my report to come home..its in the post sumwhere..
Today i was wondering why i dont have similar taste in music to my brothers.i couldnt come up wid a decent explanation.im on soundclick looking for sumthing gud to listen to....u knw wot theres this bengali band iv been wanting to listen to...iv heard alot abt them..and this guy at college mentioned it...cnt remember the name..im watching sumthing now..jal ka sumthing...i hate weekends..i love college...i feel like i can be myself there..and wen i get home i gotta be wot im expected to be..
i feel kinda tired today..i think im gonna go now..and i'll add more to this later..coz im gonna go do sum tidying up and cleaning b4 mum gets home..shes been away for a day..later

In a monotonous state of boringness..

2005-11-09T20:43:00.000Z

Listening to: Sum 41-fat lip/H.I.M-solitary man
*I am NOT a sum 41 fan.I have never bothered with their stuff .But this song is an exception.I am however a HUUUUUGE H.I.M fan..im like totally sporting a tee with ville valo's face on it atleast once every week..*
Doing:Not much..
Mood:quite pissed..>
u knw tht ICT assignment i spent 2 sleepless nights doin,well i saved it,emailed it to myself,then opened it at college and added lots of stuff to it,completed it,then saved it at college and left it.Today i was gonna print it to giv it in..and typical luck,ITS GONE.Now i dont knw wht the flip to do.I'v got too much of a (fake) pride to admit to myself and everyone else that its lost and i have to do it again.im too much of a lazy assed cow anyway..which reminds me..this ass issue is really getting to me.my ass isnt THAT great.im sick of being stared at and asked out just coz i have (according to helen and the quite a few random guys at college)a fit ass.OK maybe i do.but it aint that fit.even i admit that much.and im damn serious.it really isnt that nice.infact i think its getting in the way of my life and i need to lose it pronto.im on a STRICT diet now.just water to drink and home food to eat,woh bhi only half of my normal amount.and i already walk alot.so thts all.im not fat..everything else is totally gud..its just my ass thts kinda big..which reminds me(everything seems to remind me of another thing today..is it national remind day?) theres this guy at college...he stalked me for like a week b4 coming up and asking me out..OBVIOUSLY i said no..but the guy is becoming more and more obsessed everyday..he actually told helen(college frnd if u havnt guessed already..shes a sweet heart) that hes in love with me and my eyes (like WOT THE HELL my eyes r so round its ridicuolous.and they r so small..theres NOTHING special abt them whatsoever..)and no that hasnt changed my mind abt him but the thing that gets to me is that hes so lovesick its almost makes me feel sorry(i knw its impossible coz the guy dsnt knw me personally but the fact is the guy is in love..but with my appearance..if that makes sense..personally i think hes got sumthing wrong wid those glasses he wears..he sees wrong)now if he wud just get lost once and for all then i'd be ok.but if he keeps hanging around after me i fear i might actually really start feeling sorry for him,and i knw wot im like wen i feel sorry for sum1..i be nice to them..and i DONT wana do that.he'll get the wrong idea and i dont want that..y the hell do so many ppl have to go thru that bcz of me...im not even good looking...sumtimes i think if i was actually pretty then ppl might not like me..which wud be a gud thing..i knw its ridiculous but if they like me wen im ugly then its possible for them to not like me if im pretty..I DONT KNW IM JUST TIRED.BYE

Why...??

2005-11-08T01:00:00.000Z

Listening to: Limpbizkit-my way or the highway/H.I.M-under the rose (keep changing it after every 1 or 2 mins)
Doing: Homework...
Mood: Feel kinda numb..wud be grumpy if any1 was around,thankfully no one is so im in a quiet mood..im VERY tired..
As much as this was making sense to me last night (when i was half asleep and everything wud have made sense to me then) i dont quite understand whats so gud abt letting ppl read my thoughts...see wots running thru my mind....i dont get it..why does it feel so normal and reasonable doin this? why am i once again typing everything i can come up with just so i can store it on the internet and let ppl read it? i guess im bored and i wanna talk to sum1..but wen i need to talk no one is around...or in the case right now everyones asleep...see wot i mean..be it away or asleep..or anything else..everyone is just plain not there...i finished my work at 5 last night..got a couple of hrs sleep..then got up to go to college...im gonna be up tonight to do another bit of the ICT presentation and then a ton of economics homework...iv had abt 5 Bs in a row now since iv started economics and its begining to get quite boring..im kinda stuck in a rut..i dont seem to be goin any where...hell id even take a C if it atleast meant a change..but no thts not wot im trying to get...my target is an A..and i plan on getting an A b4 the end of this year..economics is tough...iv never done it b4...so is politics...business isnt as boring...ICT is ok as long as im managing with the work load..other wise maybe its a bit harder than i like to admit..doin 5 AS levels isnt easy..few weeks ago wen i had so much work that i didnt sleep for 4 days in a row then was in bed for a week with fever, (luckily it was holidays or i wud have gone to college sick) i told my mum and dad that i couldnt cope any more and that i was dropping one of my subjects (politics coz its bloody boring) so this morning my dad was askin me how it was goin and if id decided to drop that subject..i even surprised myself with my answer..i said NO iv started on it and i intend to finish atleast this year b4 i even think of dropping it.i took it on and i intend to stick to it till the very end.i aint gonna give up that easy dude..dad said ok..we had a little discussion abt the politics course...i went to college..didnt feel well at all coz of last night..i woke up feeling really battered..anyway we sorted out the guitar thing at last(me and frnd)..i seriously need to take some lessons again..iv just plain forgotton everything i learned back then..got the form and crap...filled it out...need to buy one of those tuner thingys....4got wot its called...see how bad i am at this..and i dream of becoming a rockstar star some day..yea yea i knw u thinkin ha ha..but i'll show u..some day...some how..
Some day u'll see things my way....
sorry just felt like sayin tht..dsnt mean anything...
YEAH
jus felt like sayin that too..
Why did kurt cobain have to die..
Why do ppl have to die at all...
just remembered tmrw morning iv got an appointment with the ortho-god-knows-wot-tist (the teeth guy..NO not the usual dentist this is like sumthing else..i think..?)
coz iv been complaining to my dentist abt how i hate my teeth and this and that so FINALLY after months of my constant moaning and complaining she referred me to ortho guy for braces so that he (or she come to think of it) can check out wot needs to be done whether im even getting braces or not etc etc..
it dsnt look like i need braces at all and im not just sayin it..my teeth are IN thankyou very much they r normal wen u look at them but i feel wierd and i fear it may get worse ending up spoiling my face resulting in me looking even uglier than i am at the moment..so gotta do sumthin abt it..this is my face we're talkin abt..cnt ignore it..im gonna go now.iv run outa things to say.actually i havnt.but if i keep typing i'll go on 4eva and not get any work done.later

What am I on about?

2005-11-07T00:45:00.001Z

Listening to: limpbizkit-Take a look around
Doing: an ICT assignment which will take all night to finish.Also adding stuff to my wish list.My wishlist by the way,isnt just things that i wish i had.Its actually some things that i plan to buy,sum things i wanna have right this second (like the food) and some things i wish i had but have no intention of buying myself.My friends can buy them for me.Or my mum.Or my aunt.Or whoever.By the way 'friends' who are reading,i hope uv had a gud look at my wishlist..my b'day is cuming up (ok so its next year but atleast its cuming) ..and so is xmas..(hint hint)...
Feeling: Not particularly happy.Wanna go sleep.But gotta do work.And gotta type quietly,coz lil sis is asleep.
Location: My room..coz the computers in my room.
State of mind: Errrrrr....

Gotta go college tmrw..got politics,ICT and business class..yay....(NOT)..i actually love being at college tho...i never thought i wud..but the whole routine,getting up,getting to college early,meeting helen at the reception then doin our usuals all around college,looking at ppl,lauging,takin the piss outa ppl,listenin to music at blast level,acting totally silly,then turning up to class 2 mins late even tho i was in college 2 hrs early :D
then goin thru classes (which is the boring bit but hey i need an education)..ok i dont mind classes that much but wudnt the world be a better place without them? I think yea..then in our breaks we NEVER do any work..just go out..eat drink and be stupid...do the usual goin around the whole college being stupid..running away frm the god knws how many guys stalking me (im serious) and just plain being happy!!I LOVE IT!!! its tiring yea but i dont regret getting up early and coming home at 6 coz its my life and i love it!
'....and everybody wanna run..everybody wanna hide frm the gun..'
Dont knw y i love those words...thats the only reason i listen to the song..okay it isnt but its one of them...
im chattin shit..................im actually typing abt a sentence then getting back to my work...then typing another sentence after abt 1 min...it feels cool! coz i get bored for a minute then i type this shit..then get bored..then type this shit....
I do realise this post is random randomness...but i gotta escape frm the dreadfull assignment for a few secs...and this is a gud outlet...outlet as in i get to type wot i REALLY wanna type..not wot im supposed to add to the bloody assignment...to tell u the truth wot i really wanna type for the assignment is this:

ICT Task 2
(My Name)
The End

But if i wanna get an A i gotta do the work...MAN i hate doing homework..especially wen it interferes wid my sleep..hey u knw wot i kinda like this blogging thing now...im actually cuming up wid things to say...
I like snickers..and pringles....
iv got a hand ache now...maybe i should stop typing...its 12.30...
i dont think this is working..im not getting any work done..so im gonna stick to only doin my work..bye :)

Wembley Concert...I saw Jal!!!

2005-11-06T14:48:00.001Z